First off, let me just say: FUCKEN AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
It is my solemn duty to announce that the Sydney Harbour ferry known as Ferry McFerryface has crashed this morning into Balmain wharf.
The ferry has been plagued by controversy since transport minister Andrew Constance announced ‘Ferry McFerryface’ as the winner from a competition to name the vessel. At the time of the announcement, maritime workers were so pissed off at the stupid damn name that workers from the Maritime Union of Australia threatened not to crew the vessel until it was given a title that was a bit more dignified.
After the sea (sorry) of negative criticism eventually died down, it came out that ‘Ferry McFerryface’ wasn’t even the winning name, and that Constance had decided to pick it despite the fact that it didn’t qualify as per the requirements set out by the committee. It, in fact, hadn’t even come close to winning, as it was beaten substantially by votes for ‘Ian Kiernan’, named for the founder of Clean Up Australia. According to documents unearthed in a 9 News freedom of information act investigation, ‘Ferry McFerryface’ got a tiny 182 votes, compared to 2,205 for ‘Ian Kiernan’.
This is particularly funny, because Constance had claimed during the backlash that he was only doing the will of the people: “It is not everyone’s cup of tea, but the people voted for it so we listened.”
It has since been announced that the vessel will be renamed ‘May Gibbs‘, after the beloved Australian children’s author and illustrator.
Thankfully, as the Sydney Morning Herald is reporting, none of the 60 passengers and crew onboard were injured in the crash, although the vessel was diverted from its regular route after the collision at around 11am and diverted to Balmain Shipyard to be inspected for damage.
A Harbour City Ferries spokesman told the SMH that they were investigating what happened in the crash and that the crew would be undergoing drug and alcohol testing.
What a time to be alive. That name is cursed, Constance, change it.Image: Getty Images / James D Morgan