It’s Time To Get Yr Ass To The Servo ASAP ‘Cos The Govt’s Fuel Discount Is Gonna End Tomorrow

Kermit the frog driving saying "beep beep binches"

It’s time to toddle on down to the servo ASAP ‘cos the federal government’s temporary excise cut on fuel will end on September 28. It means prices will rise by 22 cents a litre on September 29 and in unrelated news, I’ll be investing in a unicycle.

The fuel excise was only meant to be a short-term fix. The former Coalition government introduced it earlier this year after Russia’s invasion of Ukraine made global oil prices go bonkers, so Scott Morrison and the lads thought they’d give us some cost of living relief.

I love the thought boys, but I’m shook to my fucking core that the prices I’m seeing when I drive around town are meant to be DISCOUNTED. I still can’t fill up my tank the whole way without bringing my financial advisor to the bowser.

In a press conference earlier this month, Treasurer Jim Chalmers said petrol prices shouldn’t go haywire ‘cos Australia has enough petrol stashed away to satisfy demand. Sounds a bit like my Nonna’s cellar except instead of petrol, it’s tomato sauce.

“Fuel prices in most parts of the country at the moment are now around 50 cents a litre below the peak recorded in July,” he said.

“Industry estimates that there [will] be more than 700 million litres of lower excise fuel in the system when the fuel excise is reintroduced.

“This is 700 million reasons why the price should not shoot up by the full 23 cents on the night that the excise relief ends.”

Ok, you can’t tell me Chalmers didn’t rehearse that “700 million reasons” zinger in the mirror at least 27 times before fronting the presser. He would’ve been so bloody chuffed with that Ed Sheeran-esque line.

The Treasurer also reiterated the federal government won’t be extending the fuel excise relief because it costs too much money. Hasn’t Labor considered it’ll be too expensive for us, the proles, to fill up our cars?? I thought it was meant to be easy under Anthony Albanese???

The federal government has asked the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) to keep their finger on the pulse and make sure consumers aren’t being ripped off over the coming months as fuel prices inevitably increase.

The ACCC will be giving “I’m watching you, Wazowski. Always watching”.