Facebook Like-A-Hug Vest Renders Human Contact Obsolete

Physical human interaction is gross, that’s why scientists at MIT have invented a fug puffer vest (and I thought they couldn’t get any worse!) that inflates when your Facebook friends ‘Like’ your posts, effectively mimicking the sensation of a clammy, suffocating embrace between two germ-coated people. Ugh, people. Remember them?

Mashable are reporting that designer Melissa Chow’s ‘investion’ inflates on cue so that the socially inept wearer can “feel the warmth, encouragement, support or love that we feel when we receive hugs.” Because there’s nothing worse than a one-way hug – trust me – the user wraps his or her arms around themselves to deflate the hug, thus symbolising the act of returning the hug to the hugger. Aww, that’s nice, right? Except for the fact that the only thing worse than a one-way hug is hugging yourself in public wearing a hideous vest.

While this is all really nice, and we’re humanising social media interaction and everything, I’d like to point out a few more issues that I have with the Like-A-Hug.

What if you post a status and no one likes it? Then you’re just walking around in a puffer vest whose ridiculous Michelin man silhouette only serves to remind you of the fact that you look like a fool trapped under a suffocating, sleeveless duvet void of simulated emotion that you still probably won’t remove incase you actually receive a ‘Like’ and are so desperate to feel it but until then only serves as a constant reminder of your loneliness; like some sadistic piece of I, Robot clothing that turns against you and drives home the fact that until you find someone worth hugging in person you have to live alone on this planet, day after day; deflated, unhugged and unhinged.

That, or what if some weirdo from high school keeps on hugging you – like that creep who won’t stop poking you, but now they can actually physically affect you? Or you post status updates so popular that you’re constantly inflated of both mind and body, but then you can’t selectively hug back the people you want and eschew the hugs of said creeps, lest you perpetuate this sick cycle of misguided affection.

Not only is it going to ruin your silhouette – not that you probably care if you’re wearing a puffer vest – but you’re going to look really hug slutty on Facebook. And you wouldn’t want that now, would you?

I would also like to see Trolling Trousers that constrict if you’re being a dick on social media. You’re welcome, MIT.