We. Demand. To. Ride. The Fish Tube.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) August 11, 2019
Over the weekend, coming out of a Epstein-conspiracy haze and the usual flood of extremely damaging online content, the world zeroed in on another viral phenomenon that can be explained but will forever be embedded into the recesses of your mind: Fish Tube.
What’s Fish Tube? It’s called the Whooshh Fish Transport System and yes, it is very real. Look at this Futurama-ass transportation system.
This system helps native fish pass over dams in seconds rather than day pic.twitter.com/aAmhHArjPg
— Dr. Kash Sirinanda (@kashthefuturist) August 8, 2019
The system of tubes offers a cheap solution to a serious problem facing the tens of thousands of dams around the United States. Ideally, dams would be built to include things called “fish ladders”, which is like a set of stairs that fish can use to move from downstream of the dam to the pool of water above it. The problem is that not many of these dams actually have that solution. If you’ve ever seen a dam, you’ve probably seen a fish ladder without realising what it was.
Salmon in particular love to migrate, jumping upstream and flying in the air, much to the delight of wildlife photographers and bears everywhere.
A report from Popular Mechanics in 2014 has a breakdown of the logistics behind the Fish Tube. Reaching speeds of up to 30 feet per second and able to launch a fish 100 vertical feet into the air (because why not), fish are driven by a small blower and multiple small fans, pushing them through the tubes.
Originally, the Fish Tube was created by Woooshh as an experimental tube that transported odd-shaped objects (apparently there’s quite an industry in tubes). In 2009, in an act that reeks of extremely High-At-Work areas, Whooshh vice president Todd Deligan and CEO Vince Bryan III had a “moment of entrepreneurial inspiration” and decided to try flinging a fish through the tube. The end result was a fish rapidly going from one end of the room to the other, and an entirely new revolution in the moving-things-through-tubes world was ushered in.
The video went viral this weekend after it was uploaded by American media company Cheddar, who have made quite the viral business built on the back of viral videos that just sort of… cover the weird shit you’d see in the inflight magazine when flying domestic in the United States. So far, the video has more than 11.5 million views.
Of course, everyone took the Fish Tube very well.
good morning yeet me through the fish tube
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) August 11, 2019
Sticking my dick in the fish tube
— illy bocean (@IllyBocean) August 11, 2019
the fish transport tube is lubricated with the stuff your aunt makes when she watches me do parkour
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 11, 2019
the salmon going through the giant fish tube: pic.twitter.com/UtIC7EKuc6
— Paul McCallion (@OrangePaulp) August 11, 2019
Fish tube, feral hog,
Epstein’s dead she beat the dog,
We didn’t start the fire
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 11, 2019
launch me through the fish tube so i can feel something.
— mark hoppus.????️???? (@markhoppus) August 11, 2019
I am a:
???? being launched through the fish tube
— Roxi Horror ???????? (@roxiqt) August 11, 2019
someone make a gofundme for a human-sized version of the fish tube please
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) August 11, 2019
As yet there has been no genuine or real effort to create a human version of the Fish Tube, but I would like to go on record as being all for it.