Here’s Every Single Way Yr Life Will Change When You Get An Xbox, From Someone Who Just Got One

I was once like you. Trust me, that pain you feel deep inside — well, it’s not so much pain, is it? More like a deep-seated discontent, a quiet malaise, a soft sadness permeating deep from your innermost psyche, like a mould growing slowly along the cracks of a long abandoned well, cast in literal and metaphorical darkness. 

You are sad, and it’s not because you’re stuck giving half of your life to a job that sucks everything out of you (yay capitalism). Allow me to diagnose: you are sad because you do not have an Xbox. 

Trust me, I know.

How?

Because I just got one.

Now allow me to explain how acquiring this one simple gaming console will change your life in truly marvellous ways. 

Your kids will talk to you again

If you don’t have kids, a nice small animal will befriend you, a possum perhaps.

Friendly dogs will approach you on the street

The owner will say something like, “wow, Jombo doesn’t usually like strangers,” and you’ll just smile knowingly. See, Jombo, despite his dumb name, knows something his human does not — that you are the proud owner of an Xbox, and so you carry yourself with a certain swagger of satisfaction and self-assuredness that is imperceptible to the average human, but glaringly obvious to our canine brethren.

The ex that got away will fall in love with you again

Now now, honey, I’m catching up on the 2001 sci-fi classic Halo Combat Evolved, exclusive to Xbox.

Every single time you get Maccas they give you extra chips

Every. Single. Time. At first, you write it off as a blip — must be your lucky day. The second time? Ha, what are the odds? Third time? OK, a happy coincidence, but nothing more is at play here, right?

By the ninth time, you are no longer human. You are a God. You know the power of untapped human potential for you are experiencing life to its absolute fullest. You don’t understand why this is happening to you, specifically, but you appreciate life for all its splendour. Every day is a gift.

Then, one day, perhaps while you’re sharpening a pencil, or emptying the dishwasher, your phone will ring. “Hey man,” — it’s your mate who moved interstate, but you still keep in touch. “I finally got an Xbox,” he says, before adding “I love it, it’s changed my life, I just feel, better, you know? Things are just… good. Like, just before calling you I left Maccas Drive Through, extra chips in the bag! That’s the second time this week!”.

You hang up, and smile ever so slightly to yourself. You glance over to your Xbox and the quiet afternoon sun is catching it in that way that makes your heart dance and sing and you just know, everything is going to be OK. 

You’ll stub your toe on the Xbox and fall over in pain, but while on the ground you’ll find $100 under the couch

Sweet!

Most mornings you’ll wake up ever so briefly at around 4am

And you’ll realise you still have hours in your warm toasty bed and you’ll drift back to cosy sleep instantly, blissfully, your smile will never fade.

Everyone at your high school reunion will be impressed

You’re not sure why you came, you don’t really talk to these people anymore and most of them have kids or a house (how?!) or are still hanging out in the same garage in the same town you got up and left years ago. But you’re here, so you may as well make the most of it. 

You mosey on over to a group of boys you used to hang out with behind the portables in year 10. One is a doctor, one is married to the love of his life, one just got back from a six-month backpacking trip through Europe and Asia and now has a trial at Hawthorn coming up. But guess what? They all want to be YOU, so very badly. Because you, my friend, have an Xbox. You know it, they know it, and by the suggestive looks you’ve been getting all night, all their wives know it. 

You’ll get a promotion

Your boss will call you into their office and say something like “Mate, something’s different about you, I’d like to give you More Money, what do you think?” And you’ll look at them and say, “Thank you, I’d love More Money.” And then you’ll shake hands, and you’ll leave the meeting and walk over to the company fridge, and there you’ll find the last piece of chocolate cake sent over by that new bakery that just opened a few blocks down. It will taste incredible. 

All this sound enticing? Head on over to EB Games and grab yourself a little slice of happily ever after (the Xbox Series S), go on, you deserve to be happy.

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