Loathe as we are to tempt the raging beast that is the Montague St Bridge while she maintains an uneasy sleep, in the name of public safety it is our solemn duty to pre-emptively sound the warning klaxon. Scores of people with clear deathwishes have amassed on a Facebook event page, foolishly declaring intent to, on the one day, drive a truck underneath the bridge itself, in what’s not so much a harmless jape as it is more a regimented death march into Hell’s acrid pits.

The Facebook event, created by the rather official sounding Ketamemes 2.0 page, calls for people to simply acquire a truck – through means indeterminate – and attempt to safely pass beneath the maw of Monty on the day of April 25, 2020.

There appears to be no significance of the date; our extensive research of past bridge feeding dates reveals it has not eaten on April 25th in previous years.

To date, some 952 foolish goons have declared their intent to “attend” the event, tacitly confirming their desire to commandeer a tasty truck treat and tempt the big bridge bitch to have a lil’ chomp.

Even more worrying, an additional 4,500+ have indicated that they are “interested” in it, meaning thousands more people could yet decide to throw everything they hold near and dear away in order to play chicken with Melbourne infrastructure’s Monstro who possesses a well-documented disregard for life – be it human or vehicular – and a callous Fuck You attitude towards all howls for mercy.

So in the interests of public safety it is my civic duty to stress in the strongest terms possible: Do not do this.

Do not fall into the clutches of group-think. Do not be tempted by this false community’s bright lights and promise of shared laughter. Do not get caught up in the giddy glee.

Do not acquire a truck through any means, be it buying, loaning, renting, commandeering, or thieving, warging, transforming, or even Animorphing. Do not gather en masse with other truck acquisitions on the day in question. And definitely do not attempt to run them under the Montague Street Bridge one by one.

Doing so will change you, inextricably, forever. Those who unwittingly view the horrors within are never returned to the mortal realm the same.

Please.

I beg of you.

Do not tempt her.