Buckle up folks because it’s time for another round of “Oh My God I Can’t Believe This Property Is Actually Being Listed For Rent In Exchange For Literal Dollarydoos”. This time, the abode in question is in Doveton, Melbourne.
Jordan van den Berg (aka @purplepingers on TikTok) shot some spicy details about this particular home to us after he made a TikTok about it. Mr Pingers, we thank you for your service.
But before we nosedive into the tea, let’s take a look at the rental listing, shall we?
“This ideal one bedroom studio unit rests in Doveton and it really will leave you speechless,” the listing reads.
“Whether it’s the captivating views from the front, the quiet court location, the home itself or the wonderful front yard, you must come to inspect this one!”
To give credit where credit is due, the “one bedroom studio unit” genuinely did leave me speechless. It knocked the wind right out of me, as if former Prime Minister Scott Morrison had just tackled me during a game of soccer. My lungs and vocal box are compressed.
This is the entry to your “studio unit”. Truth be told the squashed can and green stains on the concrete really give the whole thing a certain sense of je ne sais quoi.
The front door takes you into this room, which I am assuming is the one and only bedroom in this “studio unit”.
There are two ominous doors with frames painted unique colours, which is essentially the Monsters, Inc. equivalent of the red pill/blue pill question.
There is also literal pipework and what appears to be some sort of insulated ductwork. The landlord really said, “No, it’s like an edgy Cremorne warehouse! It’s industrial!”
Here is another view of your new bedroom which actually has not one, but two rogue pipes running through it.
This MF has more pipes in it than the prefects’ bathroom in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Maybe if you bung one open, flood the room and then open some sort of mysterious egg underwater, it’ll give you a clue on how to survive in this despondent hovel.
Time for what the listing refers to as a “full kitchen with gas cooking”, which looks identical to a cooking space I would begrudgingly make for a Sim I planned on torturing.
Once again we have some lovely insulated ductwork, which can essentially be considered sculpture at this point, and quite literally the worst range hood I have ever seen in my entire life. I think that bastard piece of metal would actually worsen air quality in the kitchen rather than improve it.
According to the listing, the “studio unit” is “freshly painted”, has “one full bathroom” and “comes with a gas heater”. No, you’re not allowed to see photos of the bathroom or the gas heater — not because I am restricting them from you, but because they do not exist.
On that note, this hellscape posing as a “studio unit” will set you back $320 a week. Jesus wept.
For that amount of dough, you’re probably wanting to know what this palace looks like from the street. Without further ado, here it is.
But wait! Look closer.
But wait — what’s that red circle around the letterbox? That, dear reader, shows the home’s address as 17 Box Street, Doveton. According to the rental listing, this “studio unit” — two words which are beginning to lose all meaning — is Unit 2/17 Box Street, Doveton.
But alas, that’s not what the letterbox is saying. Therein lies the dilemma of this weird AF rental, ignoring the fact it’s a ludicrous hovel.
According to van den Berg, the issue with this rental is about subdivision AKA when you divide one or more parcels of land into smaller parcels of land. Separate properties can then be built on these new portions of land.
Van den Berg told PEDESTRIAN.TV he spoke to the City of Casey to ask if there were any “subdivisions recorded for a particular address”.
“[The staff member] asked me for the address and I said: ’17 Box Street, Doveton’,” he said.
“She said: ‘No, it doesn’t look like it’.
“I told her I’d found a place for rent which [wasn’t advertised] as being part of the main building.”
Van den Berg then sent the listing to the staff member so she could have a look at it.
He said she told him: “No, they definitely don’t have anything subdivided for that area of the house.”
“She was like, quite hesitant. She was like, ‘That’s pretty fucked,’ but not in those exact words. It was a bit more professional but not super professional, if you know what I mean.
“She said that’s definitely not an approved dwelling, and they would definitely need to have that approved as a subdivision for that to be rented out.”
van den Berg said the staff member would submit the property to the City of Casey’s enforcement team, which investigate breaches to council planning schemes.
“She mentioned, ‘You know, they are quite busy at the moment, but this is quite a bad one so it would probably be near the top of their list to inspect’,” he explained.
According to van den Berg, the issue with all of this is that you can’t get your name on utilities, which are frequently used to prove where you live. And it checks out, seeing as the listing posits that “all bills are included”.
I’m not saying it’s OK to rent out a dingy, random room of your house, but if you’re going to do it, don’t advertise it as a “unit” so that you can hike the price up.
PEDESTRIAN.TV sent the City of Casey questions about the property and did not receive a response by the time of publishing.