Diana Cleans Up Masterchef 2017 After A Truly Insane Final Pressure Test

MasterChef is the cruellest reality TV show around. Every Australian watching tonight’s finale was a participator in a modern-day Colosseum audience, only instead of gladiators fighting lions or each other with tridents and swords, we watched two extremely likeable regular people attempt to maintain their mental and emotional integrity in the face of heartless, maniacal producers hopped up on a potent mix of ratings and coverture chocolate. 

Seriously. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. 

The beautiful but fiendishly difficult #MasterchefAU Grand Finale pressure test for 2017 @kirstentibballs‘s Trio of Chocolate Fruits ?????? pic.twitter.com/kQQz2vcQde

— #MasterChefAU (@masterchefau) July 24, 2017

“Trio of Chocolate Fruits” my unculinary arse – those three little desserts are Satan‘s own testicles (obviously the lord of the underworld would have three balls, do not @ me about this). 

Ben and Diana were nearly neck-and-neck when they went into the final challenge, with Ben on 54 and Diana on 57 points. But this fucken fiddly fruit bullshit broke them. They both fucked up their apple liqueur. They both cried. They both looked like they were seriously considering hurling themselves into a Thermomix and ending it all. 

But someone had to win the ludicrously lucrative prize for 2017 ($250,000 and a regular writing gig for Delicious magazine!), and that someone was Diana, by a single point – 90 to 89. Lucky she’s good at cooking shit other than insanely fiddly fruit-shaped confections, because if she and Ben had gone into the final pressure test on even footing, he would have wiped the floor with her (I’m not saying that he was robbed. But in my professional opinion, he was ROBBED). 

It was another nailbiting, face-clawing, panicked-ice-cream-eating season of a genuinely outstanding TV show that should nevertheless be cancelled and all its creators jailed for war crimes against the psyches of their contestants. Australia ate up every moment. 

Diana cutting the centre and it being solid was more heart breaking than Jack dying on the door in the ocean in Titanic #MasterChefAU

— Artie Dowdle (@ArthurDowdle1) July 24, 2017

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t watching this #MasterChefAU finale. What year is it? Have I missed work? Is Trump still president?

— David Somerville (@somersby81) July 24, 2017

Australian citizenship test is now just making a sugar-crusted liqueur ball. #masterchefau

— Jo Thornely (@jothornely) July 24, 2017

sad to hear ben actually died in ep 4 and they’ve had to reuse the only footage they had of him making icecream every ep since #MasterChefAU

— the result respecter (@rpy) July 24, 2017

If there’s one thing that gets us every time, it’s the wonderful camaraderie we see between our contestants. ? #MasterChefAU pic.twitter.com/90thGEcGme

— #MasterChefAU (@masterchefau) July 24, 2017

(This moment was so beautiful. I want these two to get married.)

Diana’s grand total is 90, which conveniently is also my age after watching this show. #MasterChefAU

— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) July 24, 2017

I remember when the #masterchefau finale was a croquembouche and not… you know… witchcraft. pic.twitter.com/RH5TTkaFxk

— Rupert Denton (@rupertdenton) July 24, 2017

Congratulations @DianaChanAU, Australia’s #MasterChefAU for 2017! ?????? pic.twitter.com/h7kjfLpcRp

— #MasterChefAU (@masterchefau) July 24, 2017

As always, it’s OG MasterChef winner Adam Liaw who has the best takes on this whole tragicomic debacle:

Ben’s dish represents his family’s struggle through World War II and 7 years ago my finale dish represented that I like pork. #MasterChefAU

— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw) July 23, 2017

Regardless of who wins, all 3 contestants will know the true joy of strangers asking “HEY MATE ARE YOU OFF #MasterChefAU?” everyday forever.

— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw) July 23, 2017

Enjoy, Ben and Diana. We hope you never have to make anything fruit-shaped ever again.