Thanks to the one-way nature of this communication, I know nothing about you and, still, I feel like we have a connection. An understanding. You understand that I am not (or, more accurately, that this website is not) a newspaper. I understand that you are not someone who is reading this website because you are looking for a newspaper. People don’t come here to find out if we have broken Watergate-style stories, which is convenient, because we don’t break them. They come here because we’re a bit trashy. We like writing about the things that interest us or make us laugh and we like being able to do it without having to pretend to be dignified or particularly rigorous in our objectivity. We like calling people dickheads.

We get to make all the gross jokes while the other places have to wink at the reader and imply that, goodness, things are a bit naughty, aren’t they? And yet – and BLOODY yet – somehow, writing about French president Emmanuel Macron calling Malcolm Turnbull‘s wife Lucydelicious“, the Daily Telegraph, ostensibly a serious newspaper, managed to be tackier than us. Fucking ludicrous.

Contrast this:

With this:

In case this staggering work of genius is a little too subtle, allow me to decode it for you: much like the cartoon character Pepé Le Pew, Macron is French, and he’s very horny.

People say that the newspaper business is struggling but apparently publishing racist screeds is keeping them in enough money to employ a graphic artist to quickly whip together crude mash-ups of the French head of state and a cartoon character that was introduced to the world before the end of the Second World War.

If that alone is not tacky enough, editor of the Daily Telegraph Christopher Dore, when posting tomorrow’s front page proudly like a child holding aloft a crayon drawing of their own genitals, decided to tag the Twitter account of Emmanuel Macron.

Give it up, man, he’s not going to notice you.

Image: Twitter / Christopher Dore