Daily Tele Journo Wants To Cull All The Sharks; ‘Straya May Cull Her Instead

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Published

August 11, 2015

Today, The Daily Telegraph journo Laura Banks wrote an article about how we should just cull those pesky sharks that keep biting people, entitled, ‘When sharks are eating people, it’s time to cull’.

Top quotes include:

“These surfers were doing nothing more than enjoying the beauty and tranquillity of the ocean. Why should they be punished for that?”

“Would you still be keen to cuddle up to a great white at night?”

“The ocean is our domain and sharks have no place destroying lives and livelihoods; these predators are lurking out there ready to cull humans and we as a community must find a permanent solution.”

“We won’t have to worry about sharks because there will be no one living on the coast. The shark will have won.”

“Great whites should no longer be a protective species; sharks do not treat humans as a protected species. We must legalise the killing of the sharks that kill us.”

Aussie internet is ever-so-slightly unhappy about this, and her Twitter mentions look like an absolute fucking warzone:

You wouldn’t believe it’s not satire – @laurakatebanks writes an article saying “it’s time to start killing sharks”. What a pile of fucksnot

— Smashing Life (@smashlifeuk) August 11, 2015

(Note: Twitter user @smashlifeuk, we will be adopting the term ‘fucksnot’ for future use, thank you.)

Theory: the sharks were responsible for MH370. #lifedestroyers @laurakatebanks http://t.co/mA7nOTC65m

— Camille.s.r (@OneMilles) August 11, 2015

@laurakatebanks I’ve just read your shark story and would like to say congratulations on being THE dumbest journalist I’ve ever heard of ????

— Glenn C (@Glennhc80) August 11, 2015

Proof of the stupidty of News Corp journos in todays article from @laurakatebanks no wonder newspapers dying #BadJournosKillingNewspapers

— Deebo (@steve_tabz) August 11, 2015

@laurakatebanks you know your article is bad, when people are genuinely curious, as to whether is it satire. #literaryfingerpainting

— greg (@greg23982253) August 11, 2015

How about instead of sharks, we cull complete and utter fuckwits like Laura Banks? The world would be a better place. pic.twitter.com/8ukmbPER68

— Trent (@trentslatts) August 11, 2015

@laurakatebanks you make me fucking sick!! Sharks don’t treat us as a protected species? Are you for real? How the fuck do you have a job..

— Your Friend Jim (@Jim_ehh) August 11, 2015

@divinewrite @laurakatebanks Think about it…with the Tele, anything is possible.

— Deborah (@Prufrockery) August 11, 2015

Many are completely bewildered as to whether the article is ~V SRS JERNALISM~ or satire, for obvious reasons. However, it’s just not funny enough to be satire, ja feel? It’s a real headscratcher, gang.