In news that will trigger anyone with a snake between their legs, a cisgender man says his schlong has shrunk after catching COVID and it appears the claim is backed by science.

An anonymous man in his 30s in the US told the How To Do It podcast he has noticed that his penis has shrunk by 4cm since catching the spicy cough in July last year. That one dude reading this with a 4cm peen is screaming.

“My penis has shrunk,” the man said after mentioning he first experienced erectile dysfunction.

“Before I got sick, I was above average, not huge, but definitely bigger than normal. Now I’ve lost about an inch-and-a-half (3.8cm) and become decidedly less than average.”

Fortunately for him, size isn’t everything. It’s about what you do with what you have. Or so my sex therapist tells me.

The man claims that it’s due to vascular damage and that his doctors have told him that it’s “likely permanent”.

While the symptom is extremely rare in COVID patients, urologist Dr. Ashley Winter told the podcast that the coronavirus can enter the penis’s blood vessels. If that happens, it can interrupt the flow of blood in the area making it difficult to get erect. Mamma mia.

“It is true that having erectile dysfunction leads to shortening,” Winter said.

“You have this period of time where the penis is not stretching itself out, where it’s not, you know, getting all this full blood into it, and that can lead to scarring of the penis and shortening of the penis.

“And that’s probably what you know your caller is referring to now.”

Fortunately however for the few of us who don’t have this long COVID symptom, if you experience erectile dysfunction due to a psychological reason like anxiety or depression, it won’t lead to your schlong being shrunk like Mario.

A study by the University College London into persisting COVID symptoms found that of the 203 symptoms among patients in 56 countries, roughly five percent of cisgender men saw their penis and testicles minimize like Ant-Man. The study also found that one in 13 young adults who’ve had COVID are likely to experience one of these long symptoms, which also include fatigue and brain fog.

The moral of the story here? Get your booster shot and if you catch COVID and experience anything abnormal after your symptomatic period, go see your GP.