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What day of quarantine/ isolation are you on? 2? 5? 10? Lost count? No worries, so have I.

You see, the number of days isn’t important. The only way to really tell what degree of quarantine you are on is by answering one simple question:

How fucking horny are inanimate objects around your house making you right now? 

I haven’t seen a real dick in weeks, let alone cum (hehe) within 1.5 meters of one. And now that I can’t (re corona quarantine), the forbidden fruit is starting to make me sweat.

And when I say forbidden fruit, I mean it in the literal sense. There’s a bunch of bananas my roommate bought home on the weekend, and I’m drooling over them in more ways than one. They are smooth AF with a perfect curve and of decent size. They remind me of one my favourite people (plus, top of my celebrity hit list), Double Dick Dude.

After making eye contact with the bananas a few too many times, I moved to the garden to find solace and hopefully concentrate on my work. However, there was a cactus out there that was in the perfect shape to stimulate two of my areas at once, and could defs get it off me if he played his cards right (and shaved…)

So am I a freak? I thought so at first, but after a quick scroll through the socials I’m proud to report my filthy mind and I – although isolated – are absolutely not alone.

Here are some tweets that prove once and for all there’s no aphrodisiac like quarantine.

Love a tiddie tasse…

Never oily, never dry.

I wish I had advice on how to curb your enthusiasm if you know what I mean. Until then:

Oooft. Relatable.

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Image: Twitter / @sadboimikey