There’s So Much Cocaine In London’s Sewer Water That It’s Getting Eels Belted

According to new research, eels in London‘s River Thames are becoming “hyperactive” thanks to cocaine in the water. That’s right, coked up eels are going absolutely hog-wild and they’re after a bump, mate. C’mon, just one bump, mate. Please?

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Scientists from King’s College London found that cocaine is getting into the river via the urine of users, which makes its way into the water through the city’s sewage system when it overflows, getting its fauna high as fuck. “Increases in caffeine, cocaine and benzoylecgonine (a metabolite of cocaine) were observed 24 hours after sewer overflow events,” the report reads.

The report also says that the amount of booger sugar getting into the Thames in London is much higher compared to other major cities because, well, a lot of poms love to rail a few rompers after a pint or two. Water treatment plants in the area do a pretty good job of cleaning up the waste before it hits the waterways, but big storms can cause them to overflow, which is when the eels are in for a hit of the nose candy.

According to Sea Life London senior curator, James Robson, even small amounts of cocaine in the water can fuck with its inhabitants due to their sensitive biochemistry. “Essentially everything in the water will be affected by drugs like these. A lot of the triggers and the ways that cocaine affects the system is really primal,” he told The Independent.

But Robson is quick to clarify that the eels aren’t necessarily high and that there’s not “disco-dancing fish down the bottom of the Thames,” but rather, it can mess with the normal functions, brains, and hormones of the animals.

To me, this sounds like the start of a cheap horror flick. Coke-addicted eels fiending for a line grow legs and roam the streets demanding bumps and overconfidently hitting on other eels who are way out of their league. I’d watch it.