I’m just gonna come right out and say it: Co-star is the most chaotic app on my phone and honestly I’m not even sure why I’ve still got it.
I became an ~astrology~ girl after a breakup, a pandemic and like six months in lockdown, but holy shit, I did not realise just how much of a messy bitch this damn app is.
For all of you unfamiliar with the app, it’s an astrology app that gives you your daily reading and usually mumbo-jumbo, but it *also* gives you a daily push notification that’ll either make you smile, or encourage you to do something crazy.
Sometimes, it’s the wakeup call you need not to text your ex or fuck your neighbour. But other times, it just makes you go ??????
Recently, my notification encouraged me to light things on fire and honestly, that was the final straw for me. When she calls me out on sleeping with people I shouldn’t, I can cop it on the chin. But I truly, truly have to draw the line at arson.
So, after being a *little* convinced that my Co-star was just fucking with me, I thought I’d take a gander at some of the most fucked Co-star notifications other people have received.
Brace yourselves, it’s about to get messy.
First up, we’ve got Co-star encouraging safe sex. We love her.
co-star has given me this exact notification not once but twice today, I’m scared pic.twitter.com/sNGK8IhYQJ
— big-eyed owl (@oliviaaj22) June 24, 2020
Sometimes she just tells you what you need to hear.
co-star, get your shit together. i could have used this notification precisely 1 week ago but what’s done is done at this point. pic.twitter.com/GiDl6N3eEm
— damn jackie (@jaydibby) July 28, 2020
Then we’ve got the holy trinity of “make love to everything”, “smoke something new” and “you are still young.” Honestly, this is the millennial-equivalent of live, laugh, love.
My co-star notifications have been particularly wild the last few days. pic.twitter.com/RJLTgsioVX
— Julia Sherman (@JuliaKSherman) August 5, 2020
And let’s not forget when she gets *really* dark. Co-star is really out here asking the hard questions.
She reads as she’s about to roll a blunt looking at the ‘Meds?’ notification she’s been ignoring sine 10am. Thanks Co-Star pic.twitter.com/EPCxvjCJ9U
— ✨????????????????????????????????????????✨ (@thiccglamour) August 10, 2020
Co-star really wants to dismantle capitalism, tbh.
Co-star notifications when I downloaded the app: Drink some water today!????????
Co-star notifications now: pic.twitter.com/M273D1QRvV
— Not Mary Klein (@chaifiend) August 9, 2020
But when she’s not encouraging a revolution, she likes to be ~cryptic~.
cryptic co-star notifications be making me wanna punch somebody pic.twitter.com/3W8kgoOvKq
— anna ???? (@mahariiyuware) July 30, 2020
I imagine the Co-star head office is just a bunch of people getting high and writing down whatever they’re thinking.
I know nothing about astrology. But I have Co-Star because they send the funniest notifications sometimes omg (a thread) pic.twitter.com/l8J7RehGKw
— lemon. (@Lemon_Head96) July 29, 2020
Notifications with threatening auras, okay go:
A new contender for most threatening Co-Star notification: pic.twitter.com/zz24Le8M3D
— unemployed graphic designer ???? (@covasays) July 20, 2020
Like if you’ve been personally attacked by a co-star app notification pic.twitter.com/m16T7FEUls
— Lisa (@chef4funlisa) July 20, 2020
Like you and I, Co-star is horny for Armie Hammer.
tell me why when i searched up armie hammer to read about him and his wife splitting, my co-star gives me THIS notification. I- pic.twitter.com/hmZ92bLqYb
— ava || BLM ???? (@avakgardner) July 10, 2020
But unlike the advice I’d personally give you, Co-star will encourage you to give yourself a home-job tattoo. Don’t do it.
I downloaded Co-star for the push notifications and really, this app is something else at times. pic.twitter.com/xSua89zCgQ
— Nur Barzahlung, bitte ???? (@AsphyxiaPallida) July 9, 2020
But honestly, the award for the most-brutal Co-star readings has to go to this guy, who got hit with a triple whammy of truth bombs.
But this one is a close, close second. 2020 really do be like that.
wow thank you so much co-star for this wonderfully helpful notification pic.twitter.com/SfPjD3m1pn
— bree ミ☆ (@sagelynsfire) July 2, 2020
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to delete the hell app and throw my phone into the ocean so Co-star can never hurt me like this again.