Failed businessman and renowned debts-not-payer Clive Palmer is giving politics another bash following the slow desertion of the Palmer United Party, this time under the auspices of the United Australia Party. As you will have noticed from the big yellow billboards that are (apparently) fucking everywhere, Palmer is trying to hook into some of the same juice that got Trump elected, from his slogan down to his weird popularity with the 4chan far-right.

In a highly ambitious move that echoes a similar strategy that went hilariously wrong for One Nation, Palmer has pledged to run a candidate in all 151 (yes, 151) lower house seats in the upcoming federal election. So far, according to their website, the UAP has 112 candidates ready to go.

It’d be interesting to take an in-depth look at the sort of people that would rally under the banner of a man mostly famous for catastrophic business failure, the demise of his robotic dinosaur, and a series of tweets possibly demonstrative of a swift mental collapse. Unfortunately, the only information the UAP has offered up about their candidates is their name and a photo.

Instead of analysis of their proposed policies, beliefs, or history, allow us to undertake the tried and true journalistic method of picking some of the candidates at random and speculating on what their whole deal is, based solely on their head alone.

Marcus Versace

Running as the UAP candidate in the NSW seat of Bradfield, Marcus Versace is one of the only people in Australia to operate simultaneously as both a licensed cosmetic surgeon and a registered jet ski salesman. Dr Versace (as he prefers to be called) believes himself to be the sole rightful inheritor of the Versace fortune (no relation) and, if successful, is hoping to use his newfound political influence to pursue this claim.

Christian Julius

After graduating university with a double degree in engineering and biomedical science, Christian Julius (running in the Queensland seat of Griffith) found his true calling as a phone operator for a psychic hotline. Griffith has held by Labor since 1998, but Julius is confident that voters will be hard-pressed to ignore his enormous collection of replica swords from Lord of the Rings.

Petrus Van Der Steen

Petrus Van Der Steen is, as far as can be told, the only candidate running in the NSW seat of Parkes to have ever lived in a hidden fortress nestled within the bosom of an active volcano in Costa Rica. Van Der Steen is campaigning on a platform of affixing lasers to sharks, having pit traps that open into lava, and fewer regulations regarding the employment and insuring of anonymous henchmen.

Paul Creighton

Paul Creighton (Forde, Queensland) has memories. Memories he’d like to forget. Sure, he’s done some things, but haven’t we all? Is it a crime to make some hard decisions just to get by? Is it a moral failing to do things you know are wrong when it’s just the hand you’ve been dealt in life? Did you know it only takes around 12 seconds for someone to pass out when you strangle them with a bike chain? Well that 12 seconds can feel like a lifetime. Just ask Paul.

Graham Burston

Graham Burston (running in Paterson) is just Brian Burston pretending his has a twin brother so that he can run in both the upper house and lower house at the same time. We will brook no discussion on this.

Garry Bourke

There aren’t many candidates running in the NSW seat of Lyne that can claim to have consorted with the Nameless Ones and contorted their ancient, profane powers for personal use, but that’s not the case for Garry Bourke, a powerful sorcerer and part-time motorbike mechanic. Bourke is hopeful that his unholy bargains with the deathless, malevolent forces that live below this world will aid him with his first-ever bid for elected office.

Joseph O’Connor

When he’s not tending to his enormous collection of rare lizards, Joseph O’Connor (Chifley, NSW) works as a freelance reptile photographer. The Age has described O’Connor as having a “thoroughly unique eye for lizard photography” and speculated that he might well be “one of the defining modern voices in artistic herpetological imagery“. O’Connor is running on an anti-immigration platform, largely based on his belief that the growing population in the major cities could severely restrict the number of lizards he is allowed to keep at once in his apartment.

Ignatios Tsiriplis

Most of Ignatios Tsiriplis‘ professional history is highly classified, but what we can tell you about the UAP candidate for Berowra is that his time with with the Green Berets has given him the skills necessary to deliver what his constituents require with a brutal, cold efficiency.

Tony Pettitt

It’s not uncommon for people to enter politics after a career as a lawyer and, as someone who has represented themselves in court over 100 times, Tony Pettit (Macquarie, NSW) very nearly qualifies as one of those people. In legal circles, Pettit is considered a pioneer of the ‘It’s your fault for assuming that the car I sold you would work’ defence, something that has proved invaluable in his 30 years as a used car salesman.

David Wright

An experienced sensual massage therapist, David Wright is putting his hair up, putting down the scented oils, and turning his soft, strong hands towards the seat of Wright in Queensland. Previously focused on rehabilitating the sex lives of stressed couples through the judicious application of massage, Wright is now setting his sights on broader social changes, including but not limited to sweeping reforms of public nudity laws and enshrining the right to be barefoot into a newly created, single-item Bill of Rights. As Wright himself says: ‘The time is right in Wright for Wright.

We’ll maybe look into these people further when information actually comes out about them. But also maybe not.

Image: UAP