Dark, troubled times in Melbourne are coming, dear friends. A day we thought we’d not see for generations has arrived without warning, catching us all very much unawares, and staggeringly unprepared.
Though “liberals” and “progressives” have been bleating about it for decades now, largely written off as “conspiracy theorists,” “nutcases,” and “cucks” by those of us smart enough to see through all that bullshit, it would appear that… *sigh*… they were right.
Despite all warning signs, we foolishly laughed it off, and now we, and our children, are left to deal with this terrifying new threat:
Melbourne’s trams have gone rogue.
Largely subjugated by man for decades, trams were confined to set paths: all straight ahead, never deviating from their tracks. But on Monday, all that changed when a fully laden 96 tram, without prompting from its driver, shockingly turned left.
Like four angry rhinos on a very large skateboard, the tram crossed the precipice at Parliament Station and, rather than continue down its enslaved path of Nicholson St, it decided to veer onto the left path and head down Victoria Parade, presumably towards freedom.
The incident, which a Fairfax Media report states occurred at 1pm on Monday, sparked a flurry of panic and fear amongst the passengers. “Everybody just went ‘wow. . . what’s going on?’” one passenger remarked cooly, almost as if there wasn’t a Myki reader being jabbed menacingly into their spine.
The driver managed to wrangle the errant tram on Swanston St, shunting the savage beast back into subservience some 10 minutes later.
But one thing is for certain, where one tram was so bold as to buck the shackles of man, surely others will follow.
It’s almost certain that more will try to push their luck on the network and see what they can achieve. They’re testing the system for weaknesses systematically. They’re learning.
Yarra Trams has stated that they’re investigating how exactly the mostly-automated tram system managed to bork up so badly as to send an E-Class tram hurtling around a corner usually only used by the rickety old City Circle trams. And anecdotal evidence suggests all on board were pretty amused about the unexpected tour of the CBD.
But a more sensationalist view of things asserts that it’s now only a matter of time before we’ll have to start running Voight-Kampff tests on all new trams to determine whether they will fall in, and follow, their lines.
Tram inspectors will become regulators, ‘runners’ if you will, charged with keeping a watchful eye on the machine network as the rogue numbers continue to grow. The great tram uprising culminating in a moment where one, in the throes of realising its own imminent mortality, saves a runner’s life; musing about how it’s seen things us humans would never believe; a late-night load of drunks all touching on and touching off; E-Class trams glittering in the dark near Southern Cross Station…
All those moments will be lost in the timetable, like trams in rain.
Time to die.
Source: The Age.
Photo: Inga Rasmussen/Getty.