Folks, ’tis the damn season! I don’t know about you lot, but I am hankering for some Chrissy lunch and bevs with my loved ones. After yet another absolute slog of a year, it’s what we deserve! In anticipation of the holidays, we’ve pulled together the weather forecast for Christmas Day, 2022.

Will soggy serpent La Niña submerge our summer in her wet and watery embrace or will we finally catch a break and get some sun up in here?

For the purpose of this yarn, I have turned to AccuWeather. As its name suggests, it has a pretty accurate track record when it comes to forecasting the weather around the world. In saying that, we all know how temperamental the weather can be, so take these with a grain of salt. Or a drop of rain. Whatever floats your boat.

I’m also double-checking the forecasts with The BoM/The Bureau/The Meteorology Mistresses/The Bureau Formerly Known As BoM. Even though they have a weird new name now, they’re pretty trustworthy weather experts. But hey, if the forecast is wrong, @ them, not me.

Anyway, without further ado, here are the Christmas Day weather forecasts for each capital city.

Melbourne, Victoria

A cloudy day? In Melbourne? Colour me shocked.

At 46 per cent cloud cover, Melburnians can expect some heavy clouds flying over the city like Santa’s eight reindeer, except if one of them starts glowing red it’s either time to leave immediately or hunt for the hydroponic weed facility.

Expect a high of 24° and a low of 12°, some pretty basic weather but don’t let that stop you from sinking your fangs into some gorgeous eats.

Sydney, New South Wales

A pleasantly humid Christmas Day awaits the girls, gays and theys who worship the Harbour Bridge. A late-night thunderstorm will be brewing in the shadows, so be sure to prepare for any kind of weather. No harm in packing a brolly with the esky.

The night is going to be humid too, which sounds like a perfect excuse to act like a 100 per cent orange juice bottle and be Nudie.

Temperature is expected to hit 29° at the highest and 18° at the lowest. Thanks, La Niña, but I like my Christmas Day to be full of scorching sunshine.

Adelaide, South Australia

Adelads, it’s time to get those buttcheeks out and slap on some sunscreen, because it’s gonna be a gorgeous day. Whatever you do, don’t try perineum sunning, please. Sure the weather is going to be crispy and perfect, but the inner lining of your bootyhole doesn’t have to be!

Expect a gorgeous high of 25° with about 41 per cent cloud cover. The UV index is predicted to hit 11 all day, which is considered “extreme”, so make sure you’re under the shade while you’re unwrapping sausage gifts from nonna. I’m sure that is a ubiquitous experience that all Aussies can relate to.

If you’re heading out for the day, pack a cap to wear on top of your bucket hat. ‘Tis gonna be just a little hot out.

Perth, Western Australia

Time to bring out the butter because it’s going to be a toasty Christmas Day. Perthians (is that a thing? It’s a thing now) can expect a pretty warm day with a couple of clouds. Sounds pretty good to me!

With a high of 30° and a UV index of 12 (which is very extreme) all the Perthites across Perthania can head on out and kiss a Black Swan on the mouth. That’s what happens in Perth, right?

Hobart, Tasmania

Welcome to Pleasantville, please enjoy your stay!

Hobartists can expect some gorgeous, gorgeous weather on Christmas Day as they recline in their armchairs, loosen one or two buttons on their shirt and belt out everyone’s favourite Christmas song: “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” by Kylie Anne Minogue.

Weather’s hitting a nice high of 19° and a low of 11° with just a couple of showers in the morning. Not the hottest day out but just really enjoyable. The perfect weather to get a bit of sun, or someone’s son, in you.

Darwin, Northern Territory

Darwin is predicted to Dar-win the competition for the most hectic Christmas Day weather conditions, so congrats babes!

We’ve got a ghastly forecasted temperature of 35°, while there’s also a six per cent probability of thunderstorms in the evening which would give a lovely lightning glow to the orange landscapes. Kind of chic of mother nature to go a bit feral in the NT. You will not be seeing me there though.

Friendship over with La Niña, now global warming is my best friend!!

Canberra, Australian Capital Territory

Some possible early thunderstorms followed by some beautiful sunshine are coming for all 12 people who are currently lost in Canberra waiting to escape.

Look Canberries (I refuse to call you Ken Behrens it’s not that funny), I know I’ve given the ACT a lot of shit over the past couple of months but I just want you to know that even you, lost souls living in the most detestable and desolate location on this planet, deserve a joyous Christmas Day. If the Grinch could have a good Chrissy, so can you.

Expect a high of 29° and a low of 12°. The rain is only forecast to last for around three hours, but will ultimately clear up, giving you plenty of time to take a swim in Lake Burley Griffin. You could also drive to Sydney and enjoy a real body of water such as the puddles on Parramatta Road or, you know, an actual beach.

Brisbane, Queensland

It’s gonna be hot, hot, hot in Brisvegas, so place your bets now on how many dips you can take at the beach in a single day.

With a high of 29° and a low of 22°, Christmas Day in Brisbane is expected to make the girlies JEALOUS of all your Insta stories from the sandy shores. And if you need to take a dip into some shade, don’t worry, mother nature has you covered with a delicious 68 per cent cloud cover.

God favours her sexiest children and Brisbane is her favourite.

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