Christian Porter Successfully Completes ‘Quit Politics Fuckhead’ Challenge

Christian porter quits politics

The rumours are true: Federal Government Minister for Industry, Science and Technology and former Attorney General Christian Porter has announced he is quitting politics, and all I have to say is: eat shit.

It is my dearest pleasure to announce that in these trying times, Christian Porter has done us all the favour of quitting politics, hopefully for good.

“I made the decision that I will not recontest the seat of Pearce at the next Federal Election and I have informed the Prime Minister of that decision,” he said in an 800 word statement on Wednesday afternoon.

“When you are an obsessive compulsive type and entrusted with work that you believe in and that you believe is deeply important, the by-product becomes that people in your life that deserve more from you, especially your family, get much less than they deserve.

“My little boy was born one day before I first became a Commonwealth Minister. He and his little sister have never known anything but their father’s regular absence and so the next part of my working life will be anchored around being close to them and being there for them,” he said.

He doesn’t mention the anonymous donations he accepted to cover the legal fees of his defamation suit against ABC, which have been the subject of much scrutiny in recent months.

“There are few, if any, constants left in modern politics,” he said in the statement.

“Perhaps the only certainty now is that there appears to be no limit to what some will say or allege or do to gain an advantage over a perceived enemy.” Like… taking a journalist to court for covering allegations of misconduct in parliament? Hmm.

Anyway, the statement ends with more wishy-washy thank yous and claims of greatness, but the key takeaway is that he is GONE.

Maybe 2021 isn’t so bad after all.