Kicking off the Melbourne Cup Carnival and Spring Racing season, today’s Victoria Derby Day apparently involves horses, jockeys, Bart Cummings and hoards of people with an inclination towards equestrian sports, but quite frankly all the necessities of Derby Day pale in comparison to one of our favourite pastimes: scrutinising the sartorial choices swathed across the bodies of our A, B and Z grade celebrities that turn up on the red carpet with unsolicited passion. With a customary black and white dress code, the guarantee of the old afternoon sun + champagne + heel-gobbling grass + celebrities wearing extravagant headwear is a recipe for unashamed success.
Without further ado, allow me to not even bother pretending I know anything about horses and introduce you to the celebrities populating Derby Day and their #fashan hits and misses.
To start off we have the glowing, enviably stunning Rachel Finch who looks uber relaxed and plain gorgeous in a lovely Yeojin Bae dress and delicate flapper-esque piece. Things are off to an amazing start.
Next up is Zoe Foster Blake with my boyfriend/her “husband” Hamish Blake. Obviously they look super kewt, super married; Zoe’s Rebecca Valance number was a nice, albeit slightly bland choice.
I really, really tried to find something nice to say about Jennifer Hawkins‘ outfit today, but when you’re presented with a too-tight leather dress that looks like a distant relative of a Transformer but undoubtedly doesn’t turn in to a monster truck, it’s pretty hard to appreciate this. Jen’s headpiece was probably a great idea in theory but the result came out as a metallic, flattened porcupine with feathers/perky ears. Good thing Jen Hawkins is a total 10 so clothes don’t actually matter.
Maddy King is having a case of Looking Like A Flawless Babe today, with a rancid side dose of My Boyfriend Stole His Suit Off Nile From The Nanny. Shame.
British model Poppy Delevingne‘s shoes and crown-like headpiece look perfect; her dress perhaps has a few too many My First Holy Communion vibes than it ought to.
Hey Lara Bingle! I suppose it must be a truth universally acknowledged that Lara Bingle can’t kill it two years in a row – her outfit last year was immaculate. The lovely top half of Bingle’s outfit is unfortunately soured beyond redemption with a clunky skirt and her headpiece. The headpiece gives unflattering call backs to when a rider might dangle a carrot in front of a horse to make it go faster which is probably the least desirable quality in a headpiece; on closer inspection (after the jump) it’s quite a delicate beaded thing, but it still looks like an oil slick on her forehead from a distance aka Not Chic.
This is a photo of Lance “Buddy” Franklin with a killer movember ‘stache with Jesinta Campbell saying, “Bitch, pls. Next year all a y’all will be rocking horrendous beige neck bows and tennis visors with feathers, mark my words.” Spoiler, they won’t be.
I’m finding it difficult to look past Kate Waterhouse because of the aura of elegance she is effortlessly exuding in Balenciaga. Best Dressed/Most Perfect Angel of the day award goes to Kate hands down; anybody who can pull off a black-netted veil without grieving widow/Cruela De Vile vibes is a fashion prodigy.
OK DROP EVERYTHING, KARLOS IS IN THE HOUSE. Look at you, you effortlessly classy suited-up bastard you. Lisa Wilkinson is dealing with Karl’s shit as per usual while just inexplicably looking like an important famous person. *Applauds*
Carrie Bickmore‘s shoes, perplexing dress, eyesore headpiece and sligthly-too-orange fake tan are all remarkably forgettable and disappointing at the same time.
Tyson Beckford needs to actually chill the fuck out on being the suavest dude in the joint. Stop.
I think Emma Freedman is laughing so hard here because someone put her in this suit, attached fraying drinking straws to her head and told her she looked okay. It’s funny because it’s so bad.
A pregnant Rebecca Judd is absolutely killing it today, looking a delicate vision in her structured, white, bubbly dress. I can even look past the Krispy Kreme Employee Cap adorned with black circles because she looks so perf.
Pia Miller salvages the curtain body-hugging lace thing that is happening on her body with a phenomenal hat, adorable face, classy pumps and by somehow pulling off billowing sheer sleeves.
I am literally too scared to even dare criticise Naomi Campbell’s sartorial choices so I’ll just let this one speak for itself.
All images via Getty.