Catholic Church Wrote A Letter On Why They’re Against Marriage Equality

Hold on to your hats, guys – this one’s a doozy.

The Catholic Bishops of Australia have written a letter, clarifying just why they’re opposed to marriage equality, and what the diddly doodly this marriage thing is all about, anyway.

Subtle, it ain’t. Here’s what it looks like:

The letter, which is currently being distributed to parishes around Tasmania, reads like one giant “We’re not homophobic, but…”:

Kids need a mum and a dad, but we totally respect single parents! Marriage is about making babies, but totally cool if you’re straight and fertile! Equality is important and all people are loved by God, but marriage isn’t about equality, dum dum! See that part about sex and babies again.

In it, the Catholic Bishops of Australia disregards any arguments for marriage equality that are formed on the basis of literally the second half of that phrase: equality.

“Advocates for ‘same-sex’ marriage rarely focus on the real meaning and purpose of marriage. Instead they assume that equal dignity and the principal of non-discrimination demand the legal recognition of same-sex relationships as marriages.

“This appeal to equality and non-discrimination gets things the wrong way around … We must treat like cases alike and different cases differently.”

“Only women are admitted to women’s hospitals and only children to primary schools. We have programmes targeted at Aborigines, refugees, athletes, those with disabilities or reading difficulties, and so on.”

Yup. They really did just compare getting married to needs targeted services. Are you gay? Then you don’t even NEED marriage, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Silly gays.

There’s an overwhelming theme to the letter, and that theme is: the Catholic Church is the only measure of morality, dummy, and whatever crazy thoughts you’re having, they’re actually not right. I tell you, it’s Professor Umbridge explaining why she won’t teach practical Defence Against The Dark Arts all over again, only this isn’t Harry Potter (boo) and there’s real world consequences.

They write that ‘some people’ have this radical idea that marriage is nothing more than a commitment of love. (Ahem.)

But ‘those people’ are wrong. It’s ~actually~ about “connecting the values and people in our lives which otherwise have a tendency to get fragmented”, such as: sex and love, male and female, sex and babies, religious dogma and Harry Potter references… the ~yeewj~

They’re really, really into the idea that it’ll be children who suffer here, if same sex marriage were allowed to happen (cc: Fred Nile):

“Men and women bring unique gifts to the shared task of raising their children. Mothering and fathering are distinctly different. Only a woman can be a mother; only a man can be a father.”

“‘Messing with marriage’, therefore, is also ‘messing with kids’. It is gravely unjust to them.”

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET ANY WORSE, the press release accompanying the letter actually quotes Archbishop Anthony Fisher as saying:

“Surely there are other ways of honouring the friendships of same-sex attracted and other people without further deconstructing marriage and the family.”

“…the friendships of same-sex attracted…”

If you’d like to read the letter for yourself, you can do so HERE, but if you have issues with your blood pressure please consult your GP prior.

Image: Franco Origlia via Getty Images