Reader, let me speak frankly with you. I am not going to learn who Shane Dawson is. I understand that you might object to this. ‘It’s your job to learn about the things you write about,’ you say. ‘That’s how this whole thing is supposed to work.’

I get it. I do.

But I need you to understand this: It is so much funnier to me to only know Shane Dawson as someone that popped onto my radar out of nowhere for going viral for emphatically declaring that he did not have sex with or ejaculate onto his cat.

There is apparently, a reasonable explanation for this. This is all outlined in a lengthy tweet thread which, theoretically, you could read. For my money, all you require for a wildly entertaining experience is this one tweet:

I refuse to learn anything more about this man. All I know is that he really wants you to know that he did not have sexual relations with his cat and, also, that he has just become engaged to his partner of three years:

His partner, Ryland Adams, is someone who I also refuse to learn anything about, other than that he just got engaged to that guy who claims to have not fucked a cat.

What a got-dang rollercoaster of emotions. One day you’re trying your best to convince the world at large that you are not a cat-fucker — when most of them were only just introduced to you as the cat-fucker guy —and then you are experiencing the unique joy of having someone agree to spend their life with you.

Life can be so beautiful sometimes :’).

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