We Can’t Boycott The Plebiscite But We Can Get Revenge By Being Hella Gay

Ideally – and I don’t think I’m breaking any new ground here – we shouldn’t have to be subjected to a postal plebiscite on marriage equality. Even more ideally, we shouldn’t have to be subjected to any kind of marriage equality plebiscite, postal or otherwise. Even more ideally than that, though, the Howard Government shouldn’t have amended the Marriage Act in 2004 to explicitly define marriage as between a man and a woman in a blind panic as marriage equality started taking hold in some of the more sensible parts of the world.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in the ideal worlds where any of those things are true. Ol’ Johnny Howard did, in fact, make sure ~the gays~ couldn’t get married and we are indeed being subjected to the postal plebiscite, and (to put it gently) it sucks a giant, steaming hot turd.

Thanks to Malcolm Turnbull‘s abject terror of the further-right elements of the Coalition and the disproportionately loud voice given to conservative religious groups like the Australian Christian Lobby,  instead of getting it over and done with like a sensible, normal country would, the government is addressing marriage equality in the most wormy, most archaic, and most non-committal way possible.

Despite a decade of polling indicating that the majority of Australians support marriage equality and despite an absence of a similar plebiscite when the Marriage Act was first amended to exclude same-sex couples in 2004, we’re being told this issue is too important and too divisive to be decided by the people we elected specifically to represent us and decide things exactly like this – it has to go to the general public. And, having had the first attempt to go to the general public defeated twice in the Senate, it has to go to the general public via a weird process the government believes they can do without any of that tricky democracy that got in the way last time.

On top of that, once it has gone to the general public in this underhanded, ridiculous fashion, the government is obliged to do literally nothing and even if they do introduce a bill to amend the Marriage Act to remove gender discrimination, no one in the Coalition is obliged to vote in step with the results of the postal plebiscite.

Queer people in Australia are being asked to suffer the indignity of having every dickhead in the country weigh in on whether their relationships are real and valid, without any guarantee that anything will come from it. It is utterly, utterly cooked.

The worst part of all of this is that we have no choice but to go ahead with it. What else can we do? Boycott? A boycott from someone that would otherwise have voted ‘Yes’ only increases the proportion of the ‘No’ vote. If the ‘No’ campaign wins, the Turnbull government will use it as an excuse to never attempt to legislate marriage equality. We have been snookered into taking part in this humiliating exercise.

We can’t get out of the postal plebiscite, that much is clear, but there is one thing we can do: revenge. The conservative lobby groups and politicians have won this battle and made their dog-whistle for homophobia – you would be shocked (shocked!) to learn this is not actually about the children – into government policy but we can go them one better, by continuing to exist and by being as gay as the limits of the human body allow us to be.

They can tangle up marriage equality in throat-clearing and bureaucratic nonsense all they want but they can’t stop us from being the thing they fear the most: perfect gay creatures living extraordinarily gay lives every single damn day.

Men kissing in public? Their worst nightmare. Women holding hands on the bus? The horror! Non-binary people simultaneously adopting modes of dress and appearance traditionally ascribed to different genders? Fuck me dead, they’ll shit their pants in fear.

Yes, the plebiscite sucks and it is bullshit that we have to put up with it, but that’s a temporary blip. We are winning the war simply by existing. No amount of weird political trickery can un-gay the population, no amount of frantic blogging will let Lyle Shelton come into my home and personally slap the dick out of my mouth.

It’s not just up to queer people, either. Straight allies, now is your time to shine. Fellas, have you ever thought about how nice your legs would look if you wore heels? How a little bit of lipstick would absolutely pop amongst that stubble you’ve got going on? Maybe you’ve thought about how it would be fun to make out with your mate Dave one time – it’s time to indulge. It’s time to queer it up.

As a committed supporter of marriage equality, you have two solemn duties you must undertake. First (and most importantly): you need to vote in the postal plebiscite. Secondly, you need to show the bigots that Australia is, in fact, the country they are terrified it will become: a beautiful, queer island full of beautiful, queer people.

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