It is absolutely dogshit weather in Melbourne today, and it’ll probably last through tomorrow as well. And while clearly the most obvious way to figure out if it’s raining or not is to simply look outside, the far better way to do it is to look at the strong and mighty 128km Melbourne Rain Loop on the Bureau of Meteorology.

The 128km Rain Loop is absolutely the most vital tool to living and thriving in Melbourne. It is more integral to daily living than knowing where the good coffee is. It’s a resource that provides more valuable information than the Herald Sun. As far as Special Tricks Only Locals Know, it’s well ensconced in the Top 5, somewhere below “if a peak hour tram shows up late and is packed, there’s another one coming right behind that’ll be empty,” but above “there’s a hot roast roll stand on the top level of Marvel Stadium and no one really talks about it.”

The 128km Rain Loop is the god’s own truth. It arms Melburnians with the only knowledge they truly need to navigate their days: Is it going to rain, when is it going to rain, and how much is it going to rain.

Without this, the common Melbourne resident becomes perilously trapped inside, unable to do so much as step one foot out the door without crippling fear. Those that do must saddle themselves with an arctic expedition’s worth of supplies: Jumper, raincoat, umbrella, gumboots, short shorts, thongs, hat, sunscreen, one of those janky shade tents that pale folk have to sit in at the beach. All these things were, at one point in history, required to be carried at all times lest the skies above Melbourne randomly decide to shoot ice at you in February.

With the power of the 128km Rain Loop, however, citizens across this great city have been freed from the clutches of the unpredictable clouds. No longer do we traipse about in fear that it might rain in an hour or so. Because we know that it’ll rain in an hour or so.

oh lord she comin’

Truly, there is no power greater than firing up the radar and observing that there’s a band of rain passing over Laverton right now, but it probably won’t be here for a little bit. Laverton’s ages away, you’ve absolutely got time to take your entire lounge room setup across to the median strip.

Who among us has not revelled in the simple joy of checking the rain radar at the pub, observed that the weather is simply far too shitty to go home, and decided to hunker down there for the evening instead.

And let’s be very clear: the 128km Loop is the perfect one.

The 64km Loop is for those who live dangerously only. The 256km Loop is useful for Warrnambool residents only. And the 512km state composite loop somehow feels a little bit sick and perverted.

But the 128km Rain Loop? Baby, that’s the King.

Love you, precious rain radar. May you always arm me with the ability to go “oof, storm’s rolling in.”