Just Gonna Say It: Brushing Your Teeth In The Shower Is One Of Life’s Greatest Pleasures

brushing teeth in shower

I have had many a shower orgasm in my 21 years of life, but surprisingly, that is not the best feeling I have experienced in the watery palace that is my bathroom. The ultimate pleasure, you ask? Brushing your teeth in the fucking shower.

Nothing quite tickles my fancy like the truly free feeling of brushing my teeth in the shower. This is life’s greatest pleasure, and I feel like I am doing you a disservice if I do not explain this to you.

Let me preface this by saying, I’m not a monster. I do not keep my toothbrush in the shower like a filthy gremlin, I simply bring it into the shower with me for a few fleeting moments of pleasure before putting it back in its germ-free home.

Many of my coworkers disagree with me, but this is a hill I am willing to die on. There is simply no greater pleasure you can have in the shower than brushing your teeth.

Trust me, I have had a significant amount of shower sex, but it just doesn’t quite hit the spot quite like a toothbrush (to the teeth – I must clarify that I am not using my toothbrush in holes that are not my mouth).

You will never have cleaner teeth than what you do after brushing in the shower. You can really get a good lather happening without the constraints of having to brush over the sink. Worried about getting a little toothpaste on your shirt? You’re not wearing one. Accidentally miss your mouth? It’s all going down the drain anyway.

This is true freedom.

I don’t brush my teeth in the shower every night, but sometimes when I truly feel like treating myself after a long, hard day of work, I’ll grab my toothbrush, turn on the hot water and scrub the absolute shit out of my teeth while the foamy toothpaste drips down my body without a care in the world.

Have you ever gotten ready for a fancy event or an important day at work, only to spill toothpaste on your outfit? Well, my friend, that wouldn’t have happened if you brushed your teeth in the shower.

Not to mention, it’s a time-saving measure. What the fuck else am I going to do while my conditioner is working its magic? I simply cannot think of anything more enjoyable than brushing my teeth. Sure, it’s always good to shave your legs while your conditioner is doing its job, but sometimes I just don’t feel like doing shower yoga to get to that weird part on the back of my leg.

Brushing your teeth in the sink is for peasants. You have to be careful not to spill toothpaste all over yourself, you’re usually clothed, you have to look at your own dumb face in the reflection. Who wants that? Not me.

We’re all cooped up in self-isolation right now. You no longer have a right to hit up the pub, have a dinner party or hang out with more than one friend. But do you know what you do have the right to do? Brush your teeth in the damn shower.

Go on, treat yourself.

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