It brings us oodles of pleasure to report that things have never been hunkier and/or dorier over at Camp Nauru, which has been rebranded in light of this cleaner, happier detention centre.

Children are smiling, folks are singing, and rape is down almost 200% from yesterday.

Camp Nauru’s medic centre, Pedestrian finds when we’re shown through on our guided tour, is spick, spotless – and almost empty.

“I usually just rearrange my hypodermic needles,” says Dr Raven McRavenswood. “Thanks to the improved healthcare, there’s not a lot for me to do, apart from apply the odd bandaid. Actually, it’s given me lots more time to work on my reports for the Human Rights Commission.”

Next up, we head on over to Manus Island, or Manvegas, as the locals call it.

We arrive to find the security guards and refugees going head to head in a friendly game of Aussie Rules.

“It’s part of our integration into Australian culture,” one of the guards tells us while catching a breather. “You know, to prepare them for Aussie life. Sport’s always been great for bringing different nationalities together, so why not start here? Collingwood better watch out – these guys are pretty good!”

Although, as one of the refugees tells us a bit guiltily, they’re not making plans to leave Manvegas any time soon.

“Leave? Why would we leave?” she says with a cheeky laugh. “This place is paradise!”

“And,” she says, leaning in closer, “did you know the Australian government is paying for all of it?”

BREAKING: Manus Island And Nauru Are Now Perfectly Safe, All Is Fine

In actual fact, the Border Force Act comes into effect yesterday, which will see doctors, teachers, and other professionals face up to two years imprisonment for speaking about the horrific conditions at offshore detention centres like Nauru and Manus Island.

It was brought in with support of both the Coalition and Labor.

And now, we’ve passed a law that effectively gags anyone who could speak out about the abuse, sexual assault, and torture that occurs under our watch. Gillian Triggs, president of the Human Rights Commission, has called these laws “worrying in a modern democracy.

More than 40 current and former detention centre staff have penned an open letter challenging the Australian government, daring them to prosecute in the name of human rights.

They’ve got the support of The Greens have penned their own open letter, applauding their efforts.

“Thank you for speaking out against the “gross violations of human rights” that you have witnessed in this government’s cruel detention centres. Thank you for standing up despite the threat of imprisonment.”

“The government is trying to keep its cruel treatment of refugees out of sight and out of mind offshore. Thank you for making sure that does not happen.”

At this point, George Orwell himself would take one look at Australia and nope fuck that right on over to any other country.

Image: Thomas Koehler via Getty Images, of Zaatari Refugee Camp in Jordan, 2014