Record numbers of stingy bois are washing up on Australian beaches as if you need any other reason to stay indoors right now. And we can’t even blame Ms La Niña for this one (mostly).
If you’ve missed the grim, grim scenes, an armada of bluebottle jellyfish — the best collective noun since “murder of crows” — has appeared on the shores of Tasmania, NSW, South Australia and Vic.
So if you’re planning a romantic walk on the beach or perhaps a skinny dipping splishy splash, keep your eyes peeled for the little blue lads.
Speaking to ABC Hobart, Dr Lisa-ann Gershwin, a jellyfish expert (coolest job EVER) said that Cyclone Seth had contributed to the number of jellies being blown into shore.
“At the moment we are seeing what can only be described as, scientifically of course, a gobsmacking abundance of these things,” Dr Gershwin said.
But it’s not just Seth causing the abundance of jellies (AKA the name of my second favourite John Green novel).
“We are seeing a lot, even before Seth came in … It’s not just a summertime thing, it has to do with sustained onshore winds.”
Loving the mental image of a gentle breeze picking up an absolute swarm of squishy stingy bois and depositing them gently onto our sands.
They’re also the cousin of the very very very poisonous Portuguese Man O’ War so we can thank our lucky heavens that Cyclone Seth didn’t send an armada of those over.
The good news is that a bluebottle sting isn’t fatal but the bad news is that it really fucking hurts. In Dr Gershwin’s words, it “hurts like hell”, in fact.
If your tootsies accidentally brush upon a bejellied foe, the good doctor recommended a number of treatments. No, none of them are peeing on it. Don’t do that.
“Most people want to go straight for something that is going to take care of the pain, so for that we use hot water or ice,” she said.
You should also rinse off the sting with ocean water to get rid of the stinging cells before cleaning it with fresh water.
Also, don’t poke a bluebottle even if it’s dead, cos it can still sting you. Ah, the glories of nature.
According to The Guardian, Gershwin once let herself be stung by a bluebottle 80 times so she could test out different ways of treating the pain. That my friends is some absolute rockstar behaviour.
“It was, hands down, the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Let me go on record: I paid a big price for it. I was in a lot of pain and I was very swollen. I do not recommend anyone do the same,” she said.
Look, you’ve heard it from the experts. If you happen across a massive pile of bluebottles on the beach this summer get that cheeky Insta Story in but for the love of God steer clear from the toe poke.