Ben Affleck, Dead Inside, Claps Back At Reports About His Unholy Back Tattoo

Perhaps wisely, Ben Affleck has largely remained silent in public ever since Rose McGowan ethered him over charges Affleck had prior knowledge of Harvey Weinstein‘s career-long sexual harassment and yet did nothing about it. But a ludicrously large back tattoo, of all things, has apparently been enough for him to come back to life.

The offending tough sticker in question is a gigantic, multi-coloured phoenix that’s taken root on Ben’s entire back; one that he utterly denied existing for a number of years, like the kid who could only get the generic brand Tamagotchi who has to deny it’s theirs.

My man looks like he Ed Hardy’d his own dang skin.

The reappearance of the Affleck Tattoo™ sparked a sweeping piece in the New Yorker entitled The Great Sadness of Ben Affleck, exploring Ben’s outward miserableness in countless past interviews; one the internet could not apply The Sound of Silence to quick enough.

The article, among other things, heaps flowery prose onto the Unbearable Likeness of Ben, delving into the great malaise that the internet has thoroughly run through the ringer and breaking down the image of the bafflingly tattooed Oscar winner standing on the shore down to its nth degree.

Staring at the water before him, his gaze obscure and empty, Affleck is a defeated Roman senator.

The image suggests not just the fall of Affleck but the coming fall of man. There is something about this exhausted father that reflexively induces panic. We’ve been living in a world run by Afflecks for so long, will we even know ourselves when they’re gone?

This, apparently, was the last straw.

Confirmation of the tattoo’s existence, and a simultaneously defeated swing of the arm. Bloody brilliant stuff.

As you’d imagine, Twitter people immediately rushed to get the popcorn in response.

That Killers joke. Moltiest of bennies.

That’s the big takeaway from all of this: Ben Affleck is fine.

He is fine.

He is fine.

He is fine.