BEDTIME READING: 24 Of The Most Hilarious Tweets Ever Fired Off

It’s hard to believe it’s been 10 years since Jack Dorsey queefed a weird msg about “setting up my twttr” no one understood, and Twitter was born. 

In the decade since, there’s been more news, memes and shade-throwing than you’d ever care to track tbqh, the one exception being tweets that almost make you pee with laughter – those, you store somewhere for opportune moments such as these.

Behold PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s exhaustive list of the most hilaz tweets ever (so far):

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

— IDT (@IanDouglasTerry) October 2, 2014

holy shit I just saw the literal fattest dog pic.twitter.com/bJ2iY4VYw9

— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) October 27, 2015

FINALLY we have a Bachelor who is white and from a small town in the Midwest.

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 5, 2016

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

— MILTRON (@themiltron) December 26, 2015

[at my wedding]
Nah

— moody monday (@mdob11) November 2, 2015

Bought my first pair of Wranglers today so do I just remove my penis myself since I won’t be needing it or does Brett Favre come and take it

— joe (@sad_tree) October 10, 2014

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit”

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) October 25, 2014

Me: It’s cold outside.
Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 8, 2014

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

— ? Good Account ? (@SortaBad) March 16, 2016

sausages are just meat gogurts

— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) January 6, 2016

Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013

[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 5, 2016

huge lack of diversity- no women or POC at this radio panel last year- THEY COULDN’T EVEN GET SOMEONE NOT NAMED JEFF pic.twitter.com/42ozxgfe0H

— RAINA (@RahRahRaina) March 1, 2016

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

— viney (@vineyille) February 18, 2016

Goodnight room, goodnight moon, goodnight crippling anxiety, goodnight horrific debt to income ratio

— dilemma (@DilemmaEmmaEmma) July 26, 2015

16.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) December 8, 2014

i can’t believe how much cocaine is in my drinks???? this is eye opening pic.twitter.com/hT3TVyGkis

— trash juice (@elektronut) January 13, 2016

Instead of sexualizing breasts can we sexualize something more important? Like idk the clitoris. Maybe ya’ll will learn where the f it’s at.

— shelby (@yungmvmvnewport) November 25, 2015

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) December 30, 2015

No offense but android snapchats look like photographs from the American civil war

— Dan Hill (@DanRelates) February 5, 2016

self checkout?! gotta check items out myself?!! self checkout what’s next??! what’s next do i get a job?!! do i get a job and support myself

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 29, 2015

TWITTER: donald trump is a horrible person

FACEBOOK: i like donald trump because im racist

TUMBLR: bernie sanders choke me daddy

— eric c (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2016

Here’s to another 10 years, baby.