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I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Australian housing market and its truly cooked rental prices.
They’ve made damn sure that we’re all are sharing a roof with, well, anywhere from one to eight other struggling humans.
While it’s more fun, social and affordable, it’s also more disturbingly filthy than the thought of Donald Trump grabbing a pussy of the human variety.
Roommates can be lazy, stinky, plebby and all-round shit humans who lack common deceny. Sure, they make a mean beef casserole and mediocre chitchat, but if they cbf’ed cleaning up after themselves you’ve got ya’self a problem, which may or may not come with cockroaches.
Here’s how, fellow roof sharers, you can get your roomies to do their bit.
CREATE A ROSTER THING
It’s super fucking lame and I would turn my nose up if my roommates put one in front of me, but that’s because I do my share (lol I hope). Other houses aren’t so lucky to have everyone pull their weight, which is why such adult measures must be taken (in such a clearly unadult living sitch).
We’re not talking about the everyday annoyances like the dishes – everyone should be taking care of their own mess (if they’re not, refer to the next point).
We’re talking about the maintenance of the communal areas, like the sweeping of the hallways, the vaccuuming of the carpet, the releasing of the hairballs from the bath sink.
It’s not fair if Shelly has to get rid of Justin’s chin stubble (if that’s what it is) in the sink if he’s not willing to take the rubbish out on a Thursday night.
“My house’s cleaning roster stops the whole house from turning into a large pile of wet, hot garbage,” says P.TV‘s Courtney Fry, who, for the record, is not at all lame. Some things, like a clean house, cancel out any cool points lost.
PUT THEIR SHIT IN A PILE
If their crap is scattered all over the shop, they might not realise how much mess they’re actually making. By putting all their belongings in a pile – be it clothes on the line, mail on the couch or bags of groceries on the dining table – it will soon become very clear just how much mess they are creating. Heaps. Literally.
The same can be said for dishes. Stack them up. They’ll realise the amount of flies they singlehandedly invited into the place you hoped to call home. It mightn’t be as easy with more than one roommate as you can’t tell what belongs to who, but still make it clear that you will only clean up your mess, and not theirs by pushing everything else to the side.
MAKE A NOTE OF IT
We all know how hard it can be to articulate your concerns at times, so a nice, easy copout is to write it down instead.
Considering a lot of houses don’t see their roomies all that often anyway, start leaving little notes to communicate all kinds of things.
For example:
“Hey guys, made too much spag bog last night, help yourself if you’re hungry.”
“Hey fam, something’s wrong with the bathroom fan – I’ve called the landlord but just a heads up!”
“Thanks for cleaning the bathroom over the weekend Sean! I’m gonna give the kitchen a go after work today if you can look after the backyard James?”
“FKN CLEAN YOUR SHIT YOU FILTH BALLS” mighn’t have the same effect. Take it easy, or it could work against you.
GUILTTRIP ‘EM
If you can’t let the filth fester any longer, try leading by example.
“I had one housemate who would guilt us into cleaning by doing so much of it herself. Like if we had a house party, she’d be up at 8am cleaning the kitchen and taking out the empties, and we’d all feel so guilty we’d get up and help. An unusual strategy, but effective,” says P.TV’s Alex Bruce-Smith.
At least it’s an attempt that equates to a clean house, right?
FORK OUT ON A PROFESSIONAL CLEANER
Look, we know you’re poor. When you’ve moved out of your parent’s lushness for some independence in Australia’s housing market how could you not be?
Needless to say, you’re not going to love the next suggestion: a cleaner who costs money.
Hear us out. This way no one has to do the communal areas, meaning less conflict in your house and more time to get fuck-eyed with your roomies on a week night without passive-agressive commentary. They’ll also get into the grime in a way you never could.
If you really just can’t afford it, at least discussing a cleaner can help get the conversation on the table, and the walking, talking cesspit might finally put up their hand to help.
Now that your abode is humble, you should head on over to the V Skills site HERE for more erryday workarounds. They’ve got advice on everything, from applying sunscreen to smoke bombing, that’ll make you a bit better at life – something which (judging by the fact you’ve read this whole article) you could probably make good use of.
Photo: Notting Hill.
