I, you, and everyone else in this stinking country knows the highly secret truth that Australia is not actually a real place. I’m breaking several extremely serious contract clauses in admitting this out loud – all part of what we knowingly signed up for when we signed those documents from the UN years ago – but the shit may be about to hit the fan and I’d like to get as far ahead of the wave as I can before it crests.

For years, decades even, we have managed to uphold the wildly ambitious charade; conning the world into believing that Australia is a real place that exists in the literal middle of nowhere. A giant island with only 23 million people on it? Who ever thought that story would be bought.

But lately we’ve been getting a little arrogant. A little too comfortable. A smidge too brazen in what we insist are our cultural habits. Drinking beer out of a shoe? Come on. Boiling water in a kettle instead of a microwave? Outrageous. Somehow having multiple names for round discs of battered and fried potato? As far fetched as a fairy tale.

In a horrifying development, it would appear that the yards-thick facade we have crafted is slowly beginning to crumble, surely spelling imminent doom for our fake nation.

Swedish Facebook user Shelley Floryd has exposed Australia as little more than a lie; a fabrication concocted by a coalition of nations in order to cover up England‘s historical mass-drowning of convicts beginning in the late 1700s.

In a blistering expose, Floryd also lifted the lid on the fact that everyone carrying an Australian passport is, in fact, a paid actor, hired on an ad hoc basis to fill empty expanses of South America or neighbouring Pacific islands that serve as the location of “Australia” for curious wandering tourists.

Australia is not real. It’s a hoax, made for us to believe that Britain moved over their criminals to someplace. In reality, all these criminals were loaded off the ships into the waters, drowning before they could see land ever again. It’s a coverup for one of the greatest mass murders in history, made by one of the most prominent empires.

Australia does not exist. All things you call “proof” are actually well fabricated lies and documents made by the leading governments of the world. Your Australian friends? They’re all actors and computer generated personas, part of the plot to trick the world.

If you think you’ve ever been to Australia, you’re terribly wrong. The plane pilots are all in on this, and have in all actuality only flown you to islands close nearby – or in some cases, parts of South America, where they have cleared space and hired actors to act out as real Australians.

Australia is one of the biggest hoaxes ever created, and you have all been tricked. Join the movement today, and make it known that they have been deceived. Make it known, that this has all just been a cover-up. The things these “Australian” [sic] says to be doing, all these swear words and actions based on alcoholism, MDMA and bad decisions, are all ways to distract you from the ugly truth that is one of the greatest genocides in history. 162,000 people was [sic] said to have been transported to this imaginary land during a mere 80 years, and they are all long dead by now. They never reached that promised land.

Tell the truth. Stand up for what is right. Make sure to spread the world – Australia is not real. It’s a codeword for the cold blooded murder or more than a hundred thousand people, and it is not okay. We will not accept this.

Stand up for the ones who died. Let it be known that Australia does not exist.

#AustraliaisNOTreal”

In addition to that, Floryd posted secretly obtained global maps exposing the giant expanse of the Indo-Pacific Ocean where Australia is ordinarily positioned on all geographical material released by the world’s governments. True maps that, as we all know from our basic security training, could only have been created by a rogue agent on the International Space Station.

What does this mean for the future of our employment at AustralisCorp? Who’s to say. Citizens of New Zealand are almost certain to lose their annual stipend for keeping the rouse to themselves. Entry-level citizen contracts do not contain explanation of what occurs in the emergency event of the Australia Scheme’s collapse.

Either way, it might be smart to start actioning your escape plans, folks. There’s a fair chance we might be totally fucked now.

Source: Shelley Floryd/Facebook.