Andrew Bolt Is Packing Up And Leaving Melbourne In 2020’s Only Piece Of Good News

In what’s quite possibly the only good thing to happen to the city of Melbourne this entire year, Andrew Bolt – what is to Rupert Murdoch what drawing eyes and lips on the side of a closed fist is to you or me – is reportedly set to flee the Victorian city for a much quieter life where he broadcast from the confines of a rural property, free from any potential glitter-associated repercussions.

According to The Age’s CBD column, Bolt intends to sell his family’s home in Melbourne’s toffish eastern suburbs and relocate to a “countryside” Victorian property permanently.

Those of you hoping for a much-mooted retirement from the media eye may be left wanting, however. Bolt reportedly plans to continue broadcasting for Sky News from his remote location in a home studio, finally applying the aesthetic of a sun-pickled ham radio operator to match the audience reached.

Per the CBD report, Bolt stated “We are leaving the madhouse of Melbourne; I wish we had done it a year ago. I had planned to quit Sky News but now I am very interested in plans to broadcast from home.”

A “forthcoming sale” sign has reportedly been affixed to the front of Bolt’s Melbourne house, heralding the imminent shifting of the site Bolt routinely took unfathomable shits in.

Whether that rich heritage of 18C violations serves as a selling point for potential buyers remains to be seen.

But for now, I think I speak for at least some Melburnians when I say do not, under any circumstances, let the door hit you on the ass, my good bitch.