Andrew ‘Batman’ Bolt Says He Bashed Up Protesters Who Glitterbombed Him

You thought you knew everything about conservative warrior Andrew Bolt. You knew his entire reason for being was to sit on Sky News and deliver racially-charged invective. You knew his comments about Indigenous Australians landed him in court. But did you know his true identity is… John Wick?

Bolt took to his show last night to describe a truly grave crime against his person: two left-wing fascists apprehended him outside a book launch yesterday and glitterbombed him. Of course, no one glitterbombs Andrew Bolt. By his own account he rapidly transformed into Batman and quickly dispatched his opponents with what I can only imagine was a series of devastating blows.
“Police are now looking for this young man, who will have a big bruise on the left side of his face and another bruise between his legs,” Bolt said. “For which I apologise, I guess, but I don’t really fight nice if I’m pushed too far.”

He followed it up with CCTV footage from the restaurant the book launch was at. Look, the video doesn’t quite capture Bolt’s martial prowess. Actually, it mostly just shows him being doused in glitter and thrown across a table, after throwing a punch off-camera. But we trust Bolt’s account that he delivered some solid, old-fashioned knuckle sandwiches. Of course.

There is no question that Bolt is currently very shook over this incident. So much so that he has already posted four blogs about it. He’s chill, though.
Go on then, Andrew. The streets of Melbourne are safer now that you patrol them, armed only with your deadly fists and sense of true, righteous justice.
Source: The Bolt Report.
Photo: The Bolt Report.