How are you? Doin’ alright? Yeah? Pretty good?
I BET YOU ARE, BECAUSE YOU SUCKED THE SOUL OUT OF US LIKE A DEMENTOR OF AZKABAN AND NOW YOU’RE THRIVING OFF OF OUR COLLECTIVE HAPPINESS.
DOES IT FEEL GOOD, 2016? ARE YOU *HAPPY*, 2016?
*does a breathing exercise that my psychiatrist had to teach me in 2016*
Yes, you were a bloody tough year. A bloody tough one. Even the strongest amongst us had to drink a few extra schooies to get through some of those particularly rocky days that you threw at us.
So, we’re writing you this letter to tell you exactly what we think of your dead ass, 2016, because you were balls. Actual, sweaty, salty balls.
You ready? This isn’t gonna be pretty. Here we go…
THIS is for taking every oddball’s greatest inspiration, the illustrious David Bowie, from the world:
And THIS is for forcing us to say goodbye to the most wonderful Severus Snape that could ever have been, the most wonderful Alan Rickman:
THIS is for taking the always-incredible Prince, as well as the OG Willy Wonka who showed us how far ‘Pure Imagination’ could actually stretch, the talented Gene Wilder:
2016, you dumbass year, THIS is for taking away Leonard Cohen, and iconic Aussie frontwoman Sharon Jones:
THIS is for Brexit, which saw thousands of people regret their vote immediately after.
The pound violently dropped, and everyone panicked because they realised too late they wouldn’t be able to flit about Europe the way they used to BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT BEING PART OF THE EU MEANT YOU BRAINLESS NONCES WHY DID YOU DO THIS:
Donald Trump…. really? Yes, we understand that ‘Middle America’ felt misunderstood and neglected. Yep, we get that people were sick of listening to longtime politicians like Hillary Clinton ‘talk rather than listen to real people’. Yes, we understand that the entertainment value of a reality star running for President got people off their ass to a voting booth.
Now, the man who will soon hold the nuclear codes has his Twitter account literally taken away from him when he throws tantrums. Like an actual tiny child.
Like… why did you do this, 2016? What the fuck. Seriously. Take THIS:
Speaking of racists, A MOTHERFUCKIN’ MEME BECAME A NAZI THIS YEAR.
On behalf of Pepe the (now-Nazi) Frog, fuck you very much, 2016. Take THIS:
And THIS is for what you did to Harambe, that magnificent bloody bastard:
Hey, THIS is for Satan‘s closest blood-relative and “director” David Ayer miserably fucking up the movie was literally the last hope for the DC Universe, ‘Suicide Squad’.
(Plus, the recent announcement that his utter failure is being rewarded with his directorship of the sequel AND the Harley Quinn spin-off):
THIS is for Chewbacca Mum, who terrorised us all for MONTHS. GODDAMN MONTHS. WE WILL NEVER BE FREED. WE WILL HEAR THE LAUGH IN OUR HEADS FOREVER.
THIS is a big ‘fuck you’ for making us believe in love, then tearing Brangelina away from us.
And while that was the #1 most distressing, the breakups of Diane Kruger & Joshua Jackson, and Naomi Watts & Liev Schreiber stung, too.
You are a cruel, cruel mistress 2016, screw you:
Now, THIS. THIS is for the rubbish, glitchy piece of ass app Pokémon Go, which was good for less than 24 hours in countries like the US and Japan (it ACTUALLY showed Pokémon on the map when you were close to them) but Niantic realised their shitfucked servers couldn’t handle it and dropped this crap as hell version that we all got addicted to anyway despite it being terrible and then 3 months later we forgot about it and they got their shit together and made it good but we didn’t care anymore. *inhales*
THIS is a big ol’ gif for taking some of the absolute best triple j boys and girls from us.
Yes, we’re aware they’re going on to do big, good things and we’re extremely proud of them, but also we are EMOTIONALLY DRAINED from this year and are allowed to be sad, okay? Bite me.
THIS IS FOR TAKING MATT, ALEX, LEWI, SARAH AND KYRAN.
OMG, THIS is for all those terrifying clowns that were like, globally terrorising people? They were everywhere and scary and CARRYING WEAPONS? What even was that?!
FUCK TO THEM. SEE YOU IN HELL, 2016 CLOWNS.
And after all of that, you just couldn’t help yourself: you had to take matters into your own hands, and become even longer than we’d anticipated.
So, finally, THIS is for being a patronising fuck – screw you, one-second-longer 2016:
That’s it, 2016. That’s all we have to say.
If you’ve buddied up with 2017 to carry on your evil reign, tell you what, we won’t be bloody happy. We’ll stage some kind of ‘Rogue One‘-esque Rebellion, swear it.
We’re not saying you were the WORST year in the world, but you were definitely up there. You horrible bastard.
Now, bugger off, and don’t you ever bloody come back.