7 Ways Netflix Could Fuck Up The Otherwise-Perfect ‘Gilmore Girls’ Revival

And while the hours tick down ’til ‘Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life‘ premieres, and we finally learn the fate of Stars Hollows’ magnificent residents, there’s naught we can do naught but speculate wildly. And SPECULATE WILDLY WE SHALL.

While no one in the PEDESTRIAN.TV office can come to any consensus on what they want to see happen to Rory, Lorelai and pals in the four-part series, we’re all in thunderous agreement about what we *don’t* want to see happen. Allow us to present this finely crafted list of shit that, if it happens, will cause us to flip tables. As is our god-given right as seasoned TV viewing vets.

Edward Herrmann‘s sad passing back in 2014 at the age of 71 quite obviously means that the Gilmore family patriarch will not feature in the revival series. And a grand shame that is too, such was the warmth and humility Herrmann managed to put into Richard Gilmore; far too often the fulcrum on the seesaw that was the Gilmore women’s inter-familial relationships.

So how the show handles Herrmann’s absence will be interesting to see. Will Richard Gilmore have followed Herrmann into the dark, leaving the Gilmore family to deal with the death of a loved one?

What we could absolutely do without is some ham-fisted attempt at dragging drama out of tragedy by opening the series with a funeral. Worse still, trying to use technology to keep Richard around beyond Herrmann’s death. It’s been done by ‘The Sopranos,’ who used existing footage and dialogue and digital editing in their third season to keep Livia Soprano around for a few episodes after actress Nancy Marchand passed away between the show’s second and third seasons. Similar too was the techniques used by Ridley Scott during filming of ‘Gladiator‘ in 1999 to fill in the gaps when Oliver Reed died of a heart attack before the production wrapped.

We know technology’s come a long way since then, but we could damn sure do without that in this context thank you very much.

We know that this is almost a lock, given the way that the OG series finished; storylines STRONGLY IMPLYING that Lorelai and blessed sweet Luke had finally gotten their shit together to realise they were made for each other.

But come on. If Netflix tries to pull some rank bullshit like try and tell us that after all those years of umm-ing and ahh-ing and finally sorting their biz out that they somehow managed to find a way to not be together then we’re gonna go spare.

For pete’s sake, it’s all there! Written in the stars (hollow) since day one. Lorelai and Luke, Luke and Lorelai. They’re an inevitability. A perfectly normal, natural thing.

Don’t try and do us in like that, Netflix. You streaming jerk.

One of the best parts about the OG ‘Gilmore Girls‘ series was the dialogue. Hell, it was its defining characteristic: Snappy, witting, back-and-forth dialogue that moved at a break-neck pace.

The verbal to-ing and fro-ing became such a ubiquitous and dominating part of the show that it was the first port of call for other shows trying to parody it.

But though it became its own trope by the end of the series, what critics tend to overlook is the fact that the dialogue was all genuine. It was endearing, it didn’t over-speak or talk down to any audiences. It was tight, it was honest, and it flowed freely.

When you’re bringing a series back to life, dragging it from the point in time where you last put a pin in it into the modern age, there’s obvious temptation to start lathering things up with modern references. And, in this case, the temptation would be to sprinkle way too much modern technological terminology into proceedings. We’re talking references to apps, social media, slang terms, the works. There’s 100% a way to talk about the modern world without letting things melt into a lazy, sucky mess.

Fortunately, the writers are definitely clued in to who the characters are, and one of the previews has already dealt with the issue of modern-day Gilmore conversation.

See? That’s just Lorelai and Rory talking about people relevant to 2016, without dancing away from anything that isn’t true to their characters.

That’s how you do it.

If there’s anyone from the original series whose career has shot to the freakin’ moon since cameras wrapped, it’s Melissa McCarthy. McCarthy, who had a supporting role on the show, has since gone on to become one of Hollywood’s commanding comedic talents, and her services carry a price-tag to match.

We know that McCarthy somehow managed to squeeze a day on the set of the show into her understandably ridiculous schedule, meaning that Sookie St. James is going to make at least one appearance in the series.

But what we could do without? Constant 4th-wall breaking references to McCarthy’s subsequent success from the show, which is a trap full of jokes that’d be bloody easy to fall into.

Remember how ‘Parks & Recreation‘ addressed Chris Pratt‘s sudden transformation from loveable pudgy dork to ripped behemoth as he prepared to take on ‘Guardians of the Galaxy‘ subsequently becoming the world’s most beloved m8?

That’s how you deal with any references to McCarthy being a mega-star nowadays. One flippant gag and then you get back to work.

Get in. Get out. Move on.

Stunt casting. It fucking blows at the best of times. Cool, it’s fun to have famous friends show up out of nowhere for a scene or two. But it often serves no purpose to the narrative and derails everything for a few minutes.

Wow, awesome, Jon Hamm shows up outta nowhere. Again. Because he’s mates with everyone.

Do not get me wrong, I bloody love Jon Hamm, but he’s been in freaking everything and at some point that gets tir- wait.

Wait a minute…

Jon Hamm has already been in Gilmore Girls.

Sonofabitch that guy really has been in EVERYTHING.

The point being that the show already has a rich tapestry of before-they-were-famous appearances to draw on if celebrity cameos absolutely must be a thing. Why bring in some goofball with no history of association to play a noticeably there waiter at Luke’s when you’ve got pre-existing appearances from Adam Brody, Chad Michael Murray, Danny Pudi, Nick Offerman, Krysten Ritter, Riki Lindhome, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Nasim Pedrad, Max Greenfield, Jane Lynch, Brandon Routh, and yes even Jon Freaking Hamm to drag out of the closet instead?

This is a particularly well-stocked war-chest of supporting players. You’d be silly to look elsewhere.

Remember how shitty everyone got at ‘How I Met Your Mother‘ after it aired its finale, because the show had boxed itself into an ending from season two onwards that didn’t take into account the series’ potential evolution and longevity, and so when the time came to end things the creators decided to stay true to an exit-plan they’d set out six years prior and wound up ripping everyone’s hearts out of their arses?

‘Gilmore Girls‘ creator Amy Sherman-Palladino has long been trumpeting the mythical “last four words” that she wants the series to end on. Given that another season beyond this Netflix one is entirely unlikely, and that the OG series ended without her being able to lob that particular full-stop, you’d wager that ‘A Year in the Life‘ is gonna end with that magical combination of words, whatever they may be.

But as we saw with HIMYM, having a painted-in ending isn’t always the smartest idea. Particularly if the series is as long running as both HIMYM and Gilmore Girls have been.

Such is the mystique of these four words that fans have built them up to seemingly impossible expectations, meaning no matter what happens at the end of the show, someone’s gonna be pissed.

‘Course on the other hand, Sherman-Palladino is known for being a meticulous planner, particularly when it comes to all things Stars Hollow. So colour us cautiously optimistic that the four right words are gonna make us cry.

Bottom line is if they can manage to avoid bringing in the shimmering ball of wonder that is Cristin Milioti only to mercilessly kill her off-screen during a fucking montage again, that’d be great.

And finally…

You are a bastard-coated bastard with bastard filling. A pre-pubescent sack of nuts with the emotional intelligence of damp sponge.

In fact, fellow anti-Dean leaguers of the world, please take some solace from this belter of a quote from the OG series:

You’re goddamned right you don’t. In fact, the only mark Dean should ever leave on Stars Hollow is his name attached to the sign pointing at the road outta there.

I’ve said it before, dear friends, and in these precious few hours before all doubt is erased, I’ll say it loudly once again:

ANYONE. BUT. DEAN.

#ANYONEBUTDEAN.

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‘Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life‘ hits Netflix in full from 7pm tonight AEDST. Our bodies are well and truly ready.