7 Office Christmas Party Punters Who Come In Wayyyy Too Hot

Christmas: a time for generosity, togetherness, love and getting far too cooked at your work’s end-of-year blow out. Yes, ’tis the season to be more jolly than Rudolph The White Nosed Reindeer after funnelling a trough of mulled wine ‘cos Gazza from sales dared him to. 

As per, your organisation would’ve just thrown its annual let’s get weird festivities – so we thought we’d rip apart the folks you would’ve just encountered there. 
Season’s greetings, you bunch of ho, ho, hos. 
The ‘Finally Showing Their True Colours’ One 
Jake‘s always been a bit of a quiet one. Sweet, sure, but for the better part of the year he may as well have been a mute. As it turns out, Jake loves himself a double vodka on the rocks, and downs ’em as if he’s just escaped the clutches of a scorching hot desert. Before you know it, he’s lost his shirt and he’s stumbling around the d-floor like Mick Jagger on the back end of a bender. Turns out that punk scene he’s a part of (the one you know about it because of his rotation of t-shirts) comparatively makes 20-year-old fuccbois at a trap event look like they’ve never taken a pinga in their lives. They get L I T, and Jake’s a blubbering piece of evidence to prove it. 
The ‘C’mon Let’s Dance’ One
“C’mon, guys,” says Tanya. “Let’s dance!!!”
“Babe, we’ve been dancing for, like, 20 minutes…” says one of her colleagues breathlessly. 
Seeming to ignore this reply, Tanya continues to flail her limbs to the bangers, grabbing everyone at arms length to join her. “Woo0o0ooo, DANCE TIME GUYS.”
Yes, Tanya’s like a SodaStream you’ve punched way too much gas into that’s subsequently exploded into a hot, hip-gyrating mess. Someone, for the love of god, shoot her down with a tranquilliser. No human – chemically aided or not – should be able to sustain such continuous movement. 
The ‘I’m Seedier Than Normal’ One 
Tom‘s charisma and charm’s the only thing that’s stopping Pam in HR from slapping him with a sexual harassment warning. He means well, honestly, but he’s a douche nonetheless. Today, Tom’s grabbing people around the waist like some Trump-themed claw machine, and he ain’t discriminating on the basis of gender. He may as well be a brought-in masseuse he’s getting that handsy, but seeing as work’s turned a blind eye to his shit-cuntery, they’ll also pretend they didn’t just see you smack his face all the way back into his overbearing mother’s womb. 
The ‘You Guys Are Like Family’ One
To say Jane‘s behaviour was limited to her unquenchable thirst to D&M with everyone who’ll listen wouldn’t be doing her justice. Her love transcends face value conversation and the appropriateness an office environment. No, her colleagues aren’t just colleagues, they’re family. 
“I just have to say that your talent,” she says while grabbing her chest, “your talent is beyond comprehension.” 
“Errr, thanks Jane,” says Mike – a newbie who’s accidentally fallen into her clutches. 
“But talent aside, I can tell you’ve got a beautiful soul and I love you for that. I really feel you’re, like, a sibling, y’know?”
We love you, Jane. But shit, do us all a solid and internalise a bit of that affection.
The ‘Let’s Take A Photo’ One
If a picture’s worth a thousand words, than Carrie‘s on her way to wrapping up her seventh thesis. Her calling in life, it would seem, is all about memory making. Armed with her iPhone, Carrie wanders aimlessly around the party in hopes of finding the few who’re yet to grace her Instagram feed. Her next target: Grace in admin. Grace loathes having her picture taken, especially when it’s sprung upon her. She’s been dodging Carrie’s advances all afternoon, but unfortunately she’s lingered at the cheese board for a moment too long, and she’s been spotted. Carrie movies in for the kill, saying, “BABE!!! THERE YOU ARE!!!!!!! CAN WE PLEASEEEEEE TAKE A PHOTO.” Knowing there’s no escape, Grace conjures a half-smile and prays her crush isn’t active enough on social media to spot, what she’s sure will be, this fugly ass pic. 

The ‘I Exclusively Talk About Work’ One 
As the day kicks on and everyone’s letting their hair down – forgetting, momentarily, about their work-related responsibilities – Randy decides it’s time to violently shit all over the crew. 
“Gonna be a big year, next year, isn’t it,” he says to some poor soul on the fringes of the d-floor. 
“Yeah, looking like it, Randy!” they reply. 
FOOL. NEVER ENGAGE WITH RANDY. 
Somehow he manages to slowly manoeuvre them away from the pack of people to a quieter location to discuss the changes being made in 2017. He begins with describing everything in the pipeline, before moving on to their respective logistical executions. 
EAD, Randy. 
The ‘I’m Just Going To Rest My Eyes’ One
“I’m just going to rest my eyes for a second,” says Gabby incoherently while she sways on the spot. 
“You all good?” someone asks. 
“YeahI’mjustexhausted,” she replies in what sounds like one word. 
Gabby proceeds to collapse on the nearest couch and rests there, whilst still somewhat lucid, for the next 30 minutes. She eventually realises the music’s too loud for her to fully drift off, so she conjures the strength to relocate. Next, she finds herself in a secluded room, still badgered by the deafening bangers. So, up she gets again to join the gang on the d-floor. She stands there getting tossed around by the jumping mass of bodies, before finally saying:
“I’m just going to rest my eyes for a second.”
Her comment is ignored, because ain’t no body got time for repetitive sloppiness. 
We hope that your Christmas party was / is one hell of a fucked up festivity, fam. Additionally, we hope the rest of your silly season is an equally cooked ‘n chaotic affair. 
SEASON’S GREETING AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, ASSHOLES <3.

Photo: 30 Rock. 

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