The reaction to recovering afro wearer Guy Sebastian being selected to represent Australia as our very first entrant in the parade of the splendiferous known as the Eurovision Song Contest has been, not put too fine a point on it, pretty fucking mixed.
Whilst a lot of people have been generally supportive of SBS‘s decision to send Sebastian to Austria for the momentous occasion, citing the fact that he is – like it or not – widely regarded as one of the country’s best current pop singers, a lot more have been fairly miffed at the move. The chief criticism of which stems from the idea that Sebastian is perhaps a little too bland or safe for a competition that thrives on its spectacle and over-the-top nature.
One vocal member of this particular line of criticism has been Melbourne’s own viking metal lords Barbariön. Just for tonal reference before we begin, this is Barbariön.
A few days ago, the rock lords from Valhalla itself posted their objections to Sebastian representing Australia on Facebook in a lengthy, and bloody funny, open letter to SBS that read in part thusly.
“You have always been the voice of the least represented in our society. You have always been the epicenter of our cultural and artistic diversity, and now when granted the golden opportunity to promote our capable local music scene you have sold out, big time!
It didn’t have to be Barbariön. It could have been any one of a hundred local acts, from the hundreds of genres. Someone the nation could rally around and be inspired by. Someone a little off ya know, a dag, take a bit of risk mate.
You’re sending a beige-coloured Volvo full of Subway rolls (Editor’s note: fkn LOL) into a world full of high-camp theatrics and bonkers mayhem. The bloke’s gonna get destroyed.
You’ve completely missed the point.”
And in a statement delivered to Fairfax Media, the band took their views further, stating that their concerns are merely being aired for the safety of Sebastian at the event.
“Our primary concern regarding Mr Sebastian is not his vocal ability (that isn’t in question), but his physique and chosen garb. He is far, far too thin to engage in any form of strenuous competition.
We have grave concerns that he may be captured and eaten by some of the more carnivorous delegates such as Montenegro & or distilled into crude Vodka by the Russians [sic].”
Whether Sebastian himself has been secretly locked away in a bunker-like facility training night and day for the rigours of European competition remains to be seen. For all we know, the man could emerge in May a shining vision of Odin himself, dripping with the blood of fallen enemies, chest shimmering in the sub-nordic sun, broadsword drawn, fire summoned and ready to conquer all before him.
But just in case, Barbariön have graciously offered their services. “Using our methods he can still realistically achieve the BMI of 300+ necessary to survive such a cut throat competition,” whilst aiding with his equipment needs by lending him “animal skins and cod pieces,” and “warm, wolf resistant clothing.“
Still, as much as I’d personally like to see the fire and hilarity that is Barbariön represent our fine country at Eurovision, maybe Sebastian is the much smarter choice in this case if we want a realistic chance of winning.
I mean, come on. A pyrotechnic-fuelled metal band featuring members who dress in costume? There’s not a chance in hell that’d ever win Eurovision.
Photo: Cameron Spencer via Getty Images.