The X-Factor Australia Live Blog: Semi-Final Live Show 09

Rejoice, for the end is in sight! Tonight is the semi-final of The X-Factor Australia Live Blog, and with it, the actual show with which it shares a name. Tonight’s show is themed ‘The Power and The Passion‘, which I’m reading as a reference to the Midnight Oil song of the same name, but for most of this show’s demographic it’ll probably read something like the name of a new Britney Spears perfume that reeks of the sexualisation of tweens, vetiver and regret. I’m currently watching Channel [V] and MTV in preparation for tonight’s show and only now am I realising how disconnected I am from the Top 40 at the moment. Because of this I’m also hoping tonight’s show also brings me closer in touch with the youths of today (without sounding any more like a creep). Anyway, the show kicks off at 7:30 and will run until 9:00, which is a shame because I naïvely thought that now we’re down to the top four there would be less singing and more time for me to watch good TV other things. How wrong I was!

We’ll be kicking things off here at 7:30 after Home & Away finis- HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME MELISSA GEORGE PLAYED ANGEL ON HOME & AWAY? Pour yourself a drink, grab a croissant and a French Bulldog and we’ll meet back here at 7:30pm.

7:35pm – Okay. Let’s do this. Here’s human typo Luke Jacobz and the wonderful X-Factor Judges. Nat Bass just shimmied onto the stage and it was awful/amazing. Disclaimer: the way into my heart is with a good shimmy. Each contestant tonight will be singing two songs – one that is powerful and one that is passionate (God, I wish I were a producer on this show). In the interim, let’s talk about what the judges are wearing tonight. Ronan is wearing H2T black and a cowboy string tie. Hey, is this guy the worst or what? Guy is wearing a graphic printed white button down covered in pheasant feathers. It’s typical of self-appointed style icon Sebastian. Nat Bass is wearing black lace and – in full costume makeup and chandelier earrings – looks like an almost chic drag queen impersonator of herself. Mel B is covered in sequins. ‘Nuff said. I hate it when people say that, sorry.

7:39pm – First up tonight is Jason Owen. He’ll be singing a song – I didn’t catch the name. It’s a country song, and in case that isn’t obvious enough there are utes on the stage and the producers are advising viewers to tweet with the hashtag #UteBeauty! Nice pun douchelords. I think this song is called ‘Life is a Highway.’ Turns out it’s a Rascal Flatts song. Not sure if I’ve ever heard it, but from the looks of things Jason nailed it. Ronan says he’s “so proud” of Jason, Nat thought he did “a great job” and Guy “loves the transformation” (read: hair straightening) Jason has undergone. “Thanks so much brother” says Jason, the nicest kid ever. Mel B is so desperate to remain in the competition it’s hilarious – “Well bluhdee doon!” she says to Jason.

7:50pm – Here’s Samantha Jade, and she’s singing Kanye West’s autotune magnum opus ‘Heartless,‘ but because this is Samantha Jade there’s also a chandelier, a baby grand, lots of fucking smoke machine action, some sassy shoulder moves and lots of trillin’. Contrary to the last sentence, I don’t hate this performance. It was a bit awkward when she had to say things like ‘homie‘ but she did a good job making that song her own. Mel B thinks “her perfawments and vorcals were orwn fiyah guurlfrend” and Ronan thinks she hit it out of the park. “That was oonbelievable, I looved et. You should record thart tomorrow,” he says. Nat Bass agrees – “that was your best performance hands down!” And Guy just sits there looking super smug. He also notes – with a single raised fist – that that was the show’s first standing ovation from all four judges. Hopefully that’s enough to save Samantha Jade, who is routinely in the bottom two of elimination rounds and is the bookie’s least favourite to take out the comp at $104, 000. Jokes. It’s actually like $10 or something.

8:01pm – After a typically stilted introduction from Natalie Bassingthwaite (did I nail that spelling or what!?) Bella Ferraro takes to the stage to perform La Roux‘s Bulletproof. Bella will be executing some dance moves tonight, which has been the cause of much concern for Nat. It doesn’t matter what Bella does though because her backup dancers tonight are giant glitter hearts. Bella sounded quite good I thought – a lot like La Roux actually, but I’m not sure that’s the point – and the legs with hearts hearts with legs distracted from whatever Dance 101 moves she managed to execute (some turning on the spot, some basic vogueing). Guy thought the song was “challenging… but I applaud you for giving it a go and I enjoyed it.” Mel B “didn’t really like it and found it a bit too cheesy.” She thinks the song kinda flatlined and didn’t suit Bella’s voice, which is true – La Roux’s songs are very one note though. Ronan thought the performance was pitchy and that Bella needs to “watch her vocals,” which seems kinda freaking obvious by this point in the competition. Nat, true to her nature as mentor, disagrees: “I love you. Do you know why I love you the most?” she asks Bella. Um, could that have something to do with the fact that Bella is your final remaining contestant Nat? Maybe. This commentary has gone on for far too long. Bella plays the “you guys are such an amazing crowd” card which is so cringeworthy and we cut to an ad-break.

8:15pm – It’s time for The Collective. They’re singing the song that couldn’t die fast enough four years ago, ‘Apologise’ by, um, uh, One Republic. I always imagined Spencer Pratt was the lead singer of this band, if that makes my feelings toward this song a little clearer for you. Ronan thinks it’s “a proper tune, I love this song.” Ugh. Beg to differ Keating. Apparently there’s a lot at stake for one of the members, Zac(k/h), who’s opening a song for the first time having never stepped out from the shadows of the background before. What am I saying? Anyway. He did a fine job singing the first two lines before the group’s unofficial leader (I read that in the Sunday papers) takes over, as per usual. Does anyone else just think this song is super lame? Like even lamer than using words like ‘super lame’? It’s beyond me but these guys are the favourites to take out the competition. Nat thought The Collective “were awesome tonight and it was really nice to see you guys like that.” Guy acknowledges the Zac(k/h) gamble paid off and that he “couldn’t fault it vocally.” Mel B thought she was at a Collective concert and thinks “the whoorle bloody thing wars blooordy greeeyt.” Ronan “has nothing to say” for once. Cool.

8:20pm – Well that marks the half-way point of tonight’s show. I am running out of battery and gin water. BRB, just going to recharge.

8:28pm – Righto. Round two: let’s do this, again. Jason is kicking things off, again, with a LeAnn Rimes song ‘How Do I Live?‘ I wish more than anything in this world he would sing ‘Don’t Fight The Moonlight‘ from Coyote Ugly but he’s not. Deep in the dark I will not surrender my heart because unfortunately Jason is also wearing a denim blazer that has completely distracted me from his performance. Luckily there’s this quartet of insight called the judges to pick up my slack. Ronan thinks his vocal performance was off and “a bit screechy”. Nat agrees, so does Guy, who thinks the song felt a little “pedestrian.” Nothing wrong with that Guy, AMIRITE!? Can’t fight that moonlight, no matter what you do.

8:39pm – Next up it’s Samantha Jade, who is now trending WORLDWIDE on Twitter. Good job, Samantha Jade. You are a popular hashtag! She’s singing Rihanna‘s ‘Where Have You Been’ which is an equally as popular song worldwide, and thankfully it’s one that I am familiar with. Phew! Okay. First things first: Ha ha ha Samantha Jade just did this hand-on-hip thrust, booty-pop and drop-it-low move that I would do if I didn’t know any better/was totally boozed. There is some very complicated choreography happening right now involving human staircases and her backup dancers are using some feathered fans to distract from the fact that while Rihanna makes infectiously good rhythmic pop music, it doesn’t actually translate very well to live performances/singing without an auto tune device handy. Nevertheless, Samantha Jade is giving this her all and should be commended for her spiked bustier and performance skills. “That was absolutely incredible… That was your best set of performances ever,” says Mel B. “That was scary. I’m worried,” says Ronan who is rightly shitting himself on behalf of The Collective: “You could win this,” he says. Nat agrees because she doesn’t know any better and – let’s face it – Samantha Jade just out X-Factored all of Bella’s prior performances: “God I’m scared. I feel proud to be a part of this show with someone like you on the stage.” Guy hasn’t been this pleased with himself since angels brought him here. So. Smug.

8:50pm – Now it’s Bella’s second shot. Nat just nailed her intro lead in to Bella’s package for the first time ever! GREAT JOB NAT! You get a high-five from me if we ever meet. Much to Mel B’s chagrin, Bella is singing Kate Miller Heidke’s song ‘The Last Day On Earth,’ because that’s what #socialmedia has been telling her to do. My strongest memory of this song was when it was used in a Neighbours promo once when I think someone on the show was going to die, so there you go. You know who definitely has the X-Factor on this show? The set designers. Bella’s performance – which BTW is pretty okay – is framed (literally) by some super tacky tableaux vivant in which naked/silver body-painted dancers move in slow-mo and kiss/dance. That aside, I think Bella did a nice job. Guy notes however that on a technical level Bella never really nailed the high note in the chorus. Mel B says that “I swear to God, I wanted to fall asleep” and couldn’t not focus on the “naked chalk covered people,” an observation which renders Ronan speechless. Nat flat out calls Mel B “crazy” and that’s the most important part of her critique.

9:02pm – “Showing their power with a party anthem” (according to Ronan) “singing ‘Yeah’ three times, it’s The Collective!” Wait a second, isn’t this a Chris Brown song? No stars ever. That aside, I am entirely not engaged by this denim hot mess prancing around my screen (my dinner is way more interesting). The judges, however, are giving a Collective (groan) standing ovation. The Collective are, to me, an HSC group performance that never ends – from their costumes right down to their fringes and their ‘lights down’ posing. Mel B says “whoever choreographed that [routine] should be slapped.” I agree. However the judges are once again going all-in on this round table circle jerk. Ronan is really proud of them, all the ovaries in the room are combusting and nothing I say can make a difference to the fact that these guys will probably win.

9:09pm – That’s it for tonight. I don’t know about you but I’m booggered (said in a Mel B accent). Join us tomorrow night at 7:30 for a special live performance from rocket man Elton John and PNAU, as well as some other people with whom I am not familiar. They’re in the Top 40 right now. They have a song called ‘Bom Bom’ if gives you any indication. I’m looking forward to finding out who they are. Do join us. Until then, have an excellent 22 hours!

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