YOU GUYS, IT FINALLY HAPPENED. I’ve been waiting for one of these goddamn Voice hopefuls to bust out ‘Let It Go’, from Disney’s animated musical spectacular Frozen, for literally WEEKS now, and last night, Elly came along and made my dream come true. Not only did she sing in front of a goddamn WIND MACHINE, but her performance was dramatic as fuckin’ BALLS.
The fact that the normally rock solid Elly – who practices singing “from morning to nine PM” – was terrible made it all the more interesting. If she was booted off, she would literally find herself retreating to an ice castle in her kingdom of isolation, thinking about all the ways she disappointed Handsome Prince Ricky and the rest of the nation.
Luckily, Ricky stepped in to save her, and now Elly has a chance to sing for her life. There are actual, real stakes, and I’m not sure I can cope. Follow along with our Voice Australia live blog from 7.30pm on Nine to see what happens.
7:26: YOU GUYS, IT’S FINE. A Current Affair assures us that, although Sabrina and Elly were competing last night, they’re actually the best of friends in real life. Whew. It’s a relief to get a dose of journalistic integrity like this before The Voice each Monday.
7:34: C Major, Sabrina and Jackson‘s tiny minds are blown when Ricky announces that he is taking them to New York – Sabrina immediately announces that she is afraid of planes, because of course she is. God, I love her. I’m picturing some kind of Kristen Wiig-esque plane rage incident in her very near future, where she hallucinates the ghost of Bodyguard-era Whitney Houston on the wing. Ricky has one boarding pass left, which means it’s time for Thando, Fely and Princess Elly to fight it out for the last spot, by belting their way through their songs from the blind auditions.
7:40: Elly‘s up first, serving up some Princess Leia realness in a gold bikini, and pulling some very adult dance moves as she screams her way through ‘Mama Knows Best’.Something weird has happened to Elly, who is exuding so much confidence that Musical T-1000 Louise would literally blush. Joel says he was “scared” by her performance, and believing that would mean accepting that Joel is capable of feeling human emotions, but sure.
7:48: Whatever happened to Elly has afflicted the other Voice women – Fely has a determined look in her eye like she’s going to stab the judges Basic Instinct-style if any of them gives her any trouble, but her ‘We Found Love’ is brief and to the point. After those two … let’s go ahead and say ‘intense’ performances, Thando‘s take on Duffy‘s ‘Mercy’ sounds a little flat, but this is just what happens when someone doesn’t throttle a pop song to death. Thando totally deserves to go through. Soz, Elly.
7:54: Ricky draws things out for as long as possible, before deciding he’ll take Elly to New York. Eh, fine. At minimum, I guess she’ll be there to offer some kind words when Sabrina flips the fuck out on the plane, because god knows C Major is going to be fucking useless in a crisis. Someone named Harrison Craig pops up the ad break to serve as a haunting reminder of Voice-es past.
8:00: Fuck guys, help me out, I can’t remember – did Julian just get married? I can’t remember and the voice over is providing no bloody help. No matter, he’ll be singing for the last place on Team will alongside Tilda Swinton’s Sk8r Boi Kid Brother and person with an endless supply of shit hats Mat. Mat has is mixing it up with a grey beanie tonight, letting his soft, fluffy fringe poke out in front. Said fringe is utterly mesmerising so based on that, I’m calling this one for him.
8:05: Yung Tilda Swinton yelp-sings his way through ‘Battlescars’ before crawling into a hole in the base of an ancient oak tree to prepare for the solstice, his trucker hat the only evidence that he was ever here.
8:11: Mat‘s swapped his beanie for one of his regulation Craig Bierko hep cat hats, and I’m not feeling it. His performance of ‘New York State Of Mind’ is technically very solid, even if his mouth is open so wide, he seems like he’s about to swallow his piano, anaconda-style. Newlywed Julian is a little more Barney Stinson than Justin Timberlake, but his ‘Suit And Tie’ gets the crowd hysterical all the same. Mat was probably the best singer of the bunch, but I feel like Julian’s clinched it.
8:16: Julian stresses that he just wants to make his wife proud with his performance. Did you guys know he just got married? Bombshells, ladies and gentlemen. After letting loose a stream of grade-a nonsense, will is just about to announce his choice when the ad break cuts him off. Dammit, The Voice.
8:20: will.i.am picks Mat to go through, along with Jon Snow, Jon Snow’s Identical Twin Sister, Anja and Kylie-deniers ZK. He has somehow finagled it so his top four actually consists of seven people. God, that is just classic will.
8:25: Soli. Holly. Holly. Soli. Team Joel just went full Letterman and I’m not sure I can handle it.
8:47: Team Kylie is turning out to be a pretty lackluster bunch this year. She’s taking her finalists on a trip to merry old England, and shy, scruffy indie rock dude Robbie is about the only interesting person still in competition. He’ll be singing for his life tonight alongside Megan ‘Don’t Cry Out Loud’ Longhurst and whichever kilt Lionel chooses to wear tonight. “You probably have a lot of questions,” Kylie says to Robbie. “If we were on the plane together to London, you’d be able to ask me many of those.” Rawr.
9:04: JUSTICE IS SERVED. Robbie‘s going to London. Let’s see how this plays out.
