The final night of Voice Australia blind auditions is finally upon us. How much more can we take? How many more geriatric nannas can the producers wheel into the waiting area to engender viewer sympathy? How many more heavily-tattooed urchins can sing show tunes with the voices of angels? How many not-particularly-veiled passive aggressive jabs can Kylie get in against Joel? How many more times can we, the viewers, be shocked, surprised, delighted, dragged from our comfort zones, mildly taken aback, inspired to look up momentarily from the screens of our iPhones?
7:37: With Team Ricky all filled up, and limited spots for the rest of the judges – or coaches, as I always forget we’re meant to call them – tonight’s all about picking up the stragglers. But no too many stragglers, though, because at this point in the auditions, we need to see as many backstage clip packages as possible, to ensure that not too many singers sneak through. First up tonight is new mum Cais, which rhymes with ‘mace’ and ‘face’. Cais shows up with her 11-day-old baby and has the dazed, frightened look that all new mother have. If she manages not to fall asleep or cry uncontrollably on stage, that will probably be a start.
7:42: Cais sings ‘Nessun Dorma’ and Kylie luxuriates in her operatic voice while Ricky freaks out that he can’t have her, waving his hand over the button like an excited child. Her operatic voice is very skilled, but surprisingly, nobody turns, even though they all tell her that they really, really wanted to when she’s done. “It tears me up inside to not turn when a voice is as wonderful as yours,” says will. Shut up will.
7:52: Charne from the Gold Coast is all about Old Hollywood glamour – she dresses like Marilyn Monroe, was a former Big Brother contestant, and just seems really, really exhausting. She’s so determined to make it big on The Voice that she does NOT hold the door open for her mum on the way into the audition room, she just storms in beaming her hundred-watt smile at everyone. For her audition, she screams her way through Gaga‘s ‘Born This Way’, an awful yet somehow perfect song choice. Nobody turns, and at the end, the judges tell her that they didn’t get a sense of her personality through her singing. Oh well.
7:56: Country girl Megan is up next. Her dad was rugby league legend Gary Longhurst, and she’s singing ‘Don’t Cry Out Loud’ in his memory. She gives a good, controlled performance, and at this stage of the game, that’s enough to make Kylie utterly lose her shit and begin screaming, yelling and flailing about in her chair. Joel tells Megan that her performance made him feel like Fabio, riding a white horse with his hair trailing in the wind, and Kylie’s rebuttal is to start throwing fistfuls of sparkly confetti at her. It’s Kylie’s last turn, so I guess this one counts, and Megan, nice country girl that she is, chooses Kylie. In celebration of this moment, I’m leaving this clip from the greatest movie of all time here:
8:28: These blind auditions have been very weirdly paced. After dragging them out for ten whole episodes, we find ourselves with half an hour or more left on the last night, and one spot left to fill on will.i.am‘s team. The fact that he’s just not pushing the darn button is milked for drama, and we see a parade of rejects come and go as the camera lingers on his blank, impassive face. Sarsha from Melbourne looks a bit like Miley if you shaved her head, and vocally is kind of a dead ringer for Amy Winehouse. She gives it her all, and by the end of her performance, is shredding her vocal cords, desperate for will to turn, but it doesn’t happen. However, Ricky steps in to throw some last minute drama into the mix. He wants to work with her, even if he has to bend the rules of The Voice. I think the rules are written on one of Delta Goodrem‘s tear-stained Kleenex, so that shouldn’t be a problem.
8:41: “Will it to happen!”, Kylie shouts at will before the next contestant, Soli, takes the stage. She is positively on fire with the things-that-barely-qualify-as-puns tonight. Soli seems lovely, and while her performance of Bey‘s ‘Halo’ really isn’t anything that special, the judges are pleading with him to turn around, just so it can be over. will is enjoying the power he has over them, like a small child who tortures mice and rats before he moves on to taking human lives. Finally, exhaustion getting the better of him, will turns and starts gesticulating and saying nonsense words at Soli, who seems confused and overwhelmed.
