Tonight brings with it the second round of The Voice Australia Live Finals. The results from last week’s public vote will be announced from 7:36pm AEST [so, probably around 8:00pm Nine Time] before the remaining twelve songbirds will sing for their heads and dear, sweet lives. Join us right hurr from 7:30pm and together we’ll share these true artists’ epic journeys, all the while working off that parking ticket I incurred last week because The Place Beyond The Pines is so long you guys.
Pre-Game: Cool story, bro – tonight Delta Goodrem will sing a duet with Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu and the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. More on that here.
7:39pm: Bespoke Barney the Dinosaur (head to toe purple suit) Darren McMullen is delivering his usual spiel about high stakes and drama and while doing so reveals there’s only three weeks left in the competition. To say that’s a relief would be a slight understatement.
7:41pm: Team Ricky are the first to find out who will stay and who will go now. Miss Murphy, hair teased into a glossy fairy floss confection, is the first through and is followed soon after by a GHD’d Simon Melli. This means Caterina Torres is the first contestant tonight to get Ned Starked [have her head unceremoniously removed]. Love don’t cost a thing except a place in the final twelve, apparently.
7:44pm: Performing first from Team Enrique is Luke Kennedy. He’s performing a ‘chill’ version of George Michael’s ‘Freedom,’ a song about being gay or something? It’s pretty good, I guess; I mean, it’s pleasant enough, and likeably, but kind of beige. It’s pretty hard to feck up a song that’s so darn catchy though, right? This is being heralded as a major crossover triumph from opera to pop on Luke’s “journey” as an artist. Joel praises Luke and Ricky for their hard work, a sentiment a lavender-clad Ricky echoes enthusiastically. Seal and Delta don’t get a word in edgewise and I’m cool with that. This show is going to go for over two hours – sorry Mum! [I’m not sorry]
7:55pm: Now it’s time to see who from Team Delta will literally die from neglect. The first ‘artist’ through is Sister Wife Celia Pavey, followed soon after by Jackie Sannia. Meaning Tim from Trial Kennedy goes down swinging and out of the competition, and by swinging I mean with bro handshake hugs from all the judges because we’re all m8s 4 lyf here.
8:00pm: Old hand Steve Clisby is up next. You can call him things like ‘old hand’ because this show is at pains to remind us that Steve Clisby is old as balls. He’s singing ‘New York State of Mind’ by Billy Joel and he nails it with ease, obvs. “A masterclass!” fawns Darren McFawn. “Billy has to listen to you, man. It was impeccable, man” fluffs New York resident Ricky. “Steve and I have a beautiful kindred musical spirit,” says Delta, who professes her love for The Clisby Show and its regular guest star, Steve’s Pork Pie Hat. Here comes Seal, who I think has just spoken for the first time to tell Steve “Sir, you’re in a class of your own.” Steve can take no more fawning, his ego stroked to the point of Happy Ending for another week, so he retires to the [RELEVANT BRAND] V-Room to wag chins with Fuzzy. Hey Fuzzy.
8:08pm: Now it’s time for someone from Team Seal to be youthanised. The first through, to no the surprise of no one, is Harrison Craig. Mitchell Anderson, he of Goatee and Ringlets of Angel Hair, is through next which means that Jac Stone, her hands pressed together in a gesture that screams *so blessed,* will tonight have her dreams crushed. Like that scene in The Crucible where people are crushed by [Jac] Stones. Sorry. Next!
8:11pm: Performing next from Team Slippery Seal is Alex Gibson, a reformed busker. Earlier this week Seal took him to the gym; the poor guy had to do lady push-ups on national television. He’s singing The Temper Trap’s ‘Sweet Disposition.’ Sweet Jesus. This song is about as unforgiving as the cater waiter’s outfit he’s been thrust into [black trousers, black shirt, navy vest with silky paisley backing – sheesh, it’s bad]. I did not enjoy that song; there’s a lot of wailing falsetto that just doesn’t translate well to live performance unless you are the Temper Trap. I feel pretty bad for Alex but mostly because of Seal’s song choice. So too, it seems, do the judges. Delta praises Alex for his growing friendship with Seal – sounding a nebulous compliment alert. Seal tells Alex he was pitchy but commends him for his bravery. All in all, I’m not feeling so sweetly disposed toward what just happened here. ¯_(-_-)_/¯
8:21pm: Speaking of people getting stoned, someone’s about to secure a spot on Team Joel with noted space cadet Danny Ross. The first singer through on Team Joel is Michael Stangel, another of this show’s brave dads with a questionable goatee. Next through is Kyomi The Kewt and Kwerky, meaning that Michael Paynter and his burgundy suit/mohawk combo are homeward bound.
8:25pm: Danny Ross, who [rumour has it] refers to himself in 3rd person as ‘The Joker,’ is performing Neil Young’s ‘Old Man’ and has dedicated this performance to his late father. Set to a slideshow of filtered family photos and filmed in a single shot from real close up [very intimate], Danny does ‘his thing’ quite well, though you’re always going to come off second best against Neil Young, no? “Danny honestly, I think that’s the best we’ve ever heard you. Your coach is a genius… for choosing to shoot you in that way,” says Seal of Joel’s budding cinematography hobby. Fighting back faux tears, Joel speaks of a “shared journey” with Danny toward his estranged father through music. “He’s the future of Australian music,” interjects Seal. “*GULP*” gulps Australia.
8:34pm: We’re back after a break on Team Tricky Ricky with the smoky Miss Murphy, or whatever her non-alter-ego name is. Tonight, Miss Murphy will be singing Lauryn Hill and The Fugee’s ‘Killing Me Softly,’ a singer Miss Murphy idolises and tries to avoid singing. Sorry lady, but this is Fear Factor set to a tune; eat that metaphorical vocal cockroach, swallow that ambiguous musical refuse. Supporting MM on stage this evening is a hype man whose name I didn’t catch [MC Champion?]. He interjects with the requisite ‘One time, two time’ soundbites from time to time [time one and time two]. MM gets a standing ovation from the audience for another characteristically moody performance; you can use words like ‘soulful’ and ‘sassy’ to describe it if you like. “I would’ve loved to have been your hype man,” says Joel, “You deserve to have a hype man because you’re that good,” he continues for quite some time after he should’ve STFU. “Whatever, you’re beautiful” conclude’s Ricky’s flattering critique of his second favourite split personality [after himself].
8:45pm: Can someone pls bring me a glass of riesling? Srs.
8:46pm: Father/Flavour of the Month, Michael Stangel, is next up. He’s wandering through a cloud of fog while singing Rapid Eye Movement’s ‘Everybody Hurts,’ a neat precis of ‘The Voice’ in a song. “Perhaps you’re the only person left… who can sing with sincerity,” Seal says of Michael. “I got a little choked up in that performance,” says Joel, who continues to patronise Michael with copious boring bullshit platitudes about “being it” and “being in” and being “such a good guy.” I thought I was able to say a lot without actually saying anything but Joel really takes the rainbow cake he has spray painted on his head in that department. FFS.
8:53pm: Sansa Stark [Celia Pavey] is performing now and she looks like a luminous plaque covered tooth gilded with fondant icing barnacles. I mean that in the best possible way. Celia is strumming along to a sweetly sung rendition of ‘Edelweiss’ from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s ‘The Sound of Music’ while snow falls all around her. It’s majestic. Ricky is pretty much speechless and wants Celia to serenade his [adorbs] twin boys. “It’s kind of as if time stands still… You have the ability to draw us all in,” says Cersei Goodrem, who praises Celia’s “best vocal performance” yet and her “beautiful story.” It’s all very sweet and Celia will slay on the iTunes charts no doubt, just like I fear she would slay me [with kindness] should we ever cross paths.
9:02pm: After checking in with the radiant Jess Mauboy for some adroit Woolworths/Reconciliation Week cross-promo, we’re back in the V-Room with a noticeably less fuzzy Faustina, who reads some fan tweets out to the contestants who have sung so far. Content farming FTW.
9:04pm: Time for the Gurrumul/Sydney Symphony/Goodrem performance. Not much to say, but that was really quite lovely and a nice moment of respite from an otherwise exhausting evening. Nice job Delta Gurrumul!
Hope Australia gets their act together for once and saves Gurrumul from elimination next week.
9:15pm: Time for resident indie gal Kyomi Vella to perform. Tonight she’s wearing an architectural iced confection from Kathleen Choo. I really like her liquid eyeliner war paint and polished origami look. She’s singing a song I know from an ad on TV and she’s doing a great job – it goes ‘Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah.’ It’s cool – Kyomi is interesting, likeable and I feel like she’s got this in the zip-lock bag tonight.
Although I’m not so sure the same can be said about The Voice producers, who have totally ripped off the visuals from Madonna’s ‘Frozen’ video for Kyomi’s performance backdrop. That’s my contribution to the world for today – you are welcome. “Congratulations on another wonderful week of learning the next layers of Kyomi,” says Delta because LOL SYNTAX, who needs it? “You are so ready,” says Joel, who can’t wait to hear her record. Everyone agrees.
9:22pm: The lovechild of Jesus Christ and Weird Al Yankovic, Mitchell Anderson, has just performed a roof-raising rendition of ‘What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?’ by a band/singer whose name you can inform me of in the comments section below. Seal praises Mitchell for his best performance yet [who hasn’t pulled off their best performance yet tonight?] informed by the loss of his mother and his inability to achieve closure. Seal also praises Mitchell as being of great “value to this country, value to this show, and we are all better people for knowing” you. Perhaps a bit steep, but sure, I mean, why the heck not? There are still three more performances tonight and I am literally dying, so worn down that I’m agreeing with Seal’s sweeping crap talk.
9:30pm: 18-year-old Jackie Sannia is up next and she’s singing ‘Smoke’ from Neighbours alumnus Natalie Imbruglia. Jackie is so young that the only Imbruglia song she knows is ‘Torn,’ everybody knows ‘Torn’ she says because it’s a great song, duh. Because subtlety is not this show’s strong suit – its strong suits are cut in shades of burgundy and purple – the stage is literally covered in smoke while Jackie performs ‘Smoke’ on a grand piano. Did you get that? The song is called ‘Smoke’ and the stage is covered in smoke! I know, right.
I digress, a solid performance from Jackie, though admittedly I kind of tuned out in a Natalie Imbruglia-induced daze. “You are so amazing and I just love it when you sing, I love it!” squees Seal. “Ma gurl did beautifully,” says Nina Tucker [Delta’s character on Neighbours], who claims she has listened to this song a million times on her playlist. Dubious Goodrem, dubious at best.
9:38pm: Hold me closer, Tony Danza. The hirsute mutton-chop Simon Melli [SMELLI!] is now performing a very sharp interpretation of Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer.’ Sorry, Simon, but dem jeans is too tight and they’re rubbing off on your top notes in the worst possible way. Sad to say it but I think S.Mells is going to get Gretel Killeen’ed next week; as in, “It’s time to go, Simon!” I forgot to say, Joel basically chose ‘Tiny Dancer’ because it’s his boo Nicole Richie’s fave song, which means he’s going to get laid tonight.
Loves it. That’s hot.
9:41pm: Guys. Shut the front door. Ricky Martin “can’t wait to leave [his] soul on stage” when he tours his three well-known songs nationally in October. He’ll be taking to the country to perform all of the hits, including, ‘She Bangs,’ ‘La vida loca,’ aaand I’m done. Sorry Ricky, sorry 1998, I don’t know any of your songs. Oh yeah, the ‘Cup of Life’ song. That’s another one.
9:48pm: Polly Pocket Bublé Harrison Craig is up now singing the kind of song that’ll fill his debut album, and thus your mum’s stocking come Christmas 2013. It’s a jazzy, up-tempo number different from his usual operatic schtick. This boy is so gosh darn likeable I don’t even want to write cuss words in a sentence about him; though that said, ahah fuck it, he’s bloody killed it. Delta gushes for a good three minutes about Harrison’s performance. Seal then reveals what we’ve known all along – he didn’t want to use his ‘save’ on Harrison because he trusts Australia will save him without prompt. Seal believes that with his poise and integrity, Harrison is the next artist who will represent Australia to the world. Big call from a big man [Seal is literally a giant].
“Sadly,” begins Darren McLollins, “that’s the end of another night of performances.” Good one, Dazzy Star, but I beg to differ. What did you think about tonight’s performances? Hit the discussion boards below with your thoughts on anything. Singing, Seal, cake. Literally anything. Buenas nachos!
