‘The Voice Australia’: Episode 14 Live Blog

It’s the final night of battle rounds, and it seems they’ve saved all the Glee kids for last. There’s Brittanie, who comes across like a cut-rate Lea Michele and has murder in her eyes. There’s musical theatre twink Mat, whose share house full of precocious singers legitimately looks like a nightmare I once had. Last and possibly not least, there’s a certain tattooed urchin who sings show tunes with the voice of an angel, and has the terrified look of someone in witness protection after they saw a drug deal go violently south. This has to be the night when someone whips out ‘Let It Go’, right? It’s the song these kids were born to sing. They need to express themselves. I can feel it in my bones. The metal plate in my head is vibrating. It’s coming.

Follow along with our Voice Australia live blog from 7.30pm on Channel 9

7:28: Confounding skirt-wearer and deep voice-haver Lionel is A Current Affair, talking about how much he identifies with the beast of Beauty And The Beast, and there’s about an 85% chance he’s taking the piss with the interviewer, which weirdly makes me like him more. I don’t know if Lionel’s skirts are for comfort or style purposes, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say both. 

7:37: ‘Let’s get it started in here,’ sings a sinister, Children Of The Corn-looking young thing on a Voice Kids promo, pronouncing the last word as if it has ten syllables. Yep, this is going to be a long night.

7:40: It’s Kylie‘s first battle of the night, and she gets right to it, choosing Brittanie and Megan ‘Don’t Cry Out Loud’ Longhurst. She chooses an Elaine Motherfucking Paige song for them, because they’re both dealing with loss and because The Voice has no shame when it comes to family tragedy. They’re both singing for deceased relatives, and it will be interesting to see each one trying to sympathise with the other while simultaneously shooting daggers. Brittanie hopes her nanna is looking down from heaven … and probably also hopes that she drops an anvil on Megan’s head at some point.

7:44: Oh my god, these two are so fucking poised, I can’t even. When Brittanie sings her first verse of ‘I Know Him So Well’, the judges simultaneously say “wow” at the quality of her voice, and she sneakily raises an eyebrow, as if telling Megan to eat it, bitch. In fairness, the two of them both have pretty excellent voices, setting them apart from a lot of the warblers and screechers in this season of the show, and it’s going to be a pretty tough choice for poor old Kylie. The other judges say that Megan was their preferred singer, and Megan herself looks terrified by this, because there’s a very real chance Brittanie is carrying a shiv. Kylie beseeches the goddess Aphrodite for help, then chooses Megan. Joel chooses not to save Brittanie. She will surely get shiftaced drunk and sing ‘Rose’s Turn’ Lucille Bluth-style after this, and the rejection will only make her stronger.

7:56: Guy Sebastian‘s brother’s guitarist Luke is singing for his life against high hair-haver Isaac, singing ‘Reckless’ by Australian Crawl, a shockingly decent choice on coach Joel‘s part. The two earnest, guitar-toting young men take the stage, and Isaac begins, with his eyes shut tight, as though ‘lost’ in the song. Luke does exactly the same thing. Clearly they’ve decided this is the best way to convey sensitivity and singer song-writer cred. They’re both decent, but Isaac has bushier eyebrows, so on that entirely arbitrary basis, I’m calling this one for him. As predicted, Isaac‘s bushy eyebrows win the day, and he shares the bro-iest handshake ever with Joel as he leaves the stage. 

8:09: Fuck me sideways in a compact SUV, I have no idea who Jacob and Jhoanna are. Have they been on the show before? Whoever they are, they’re not getting on. Jhoanna complains that the James Morrison song that will chose is in a difficult key for her, so adjustments are made to the arrangement, and Jacob is flustered, throwing angry Tilda Swinton eyes at his competitor. There’s a reasonable chance Jacob might actually be a ghost. The pair take to the stage, and pour a lot of that raw, backstage emotion into their performance, each one trying to out-scream the other. will pings Jacob for taking the comfortable route, in his performance, but I’m not sure what he’s on about, as the two were hollering with equal power. Can he get a save back if he sends both of them home? We need to wait until after the break to find out what happens. 

8:21: “It’s not going to be easy dude,” says will, who then chooses Jacob as casually as if he’s ordering Old English cheese on his sub. Kylie and Joel both step in to save Jhoanna, because I don’t think either one was listening. Up next from Team Kylie, it’s not-particularly-dynamic duo Reece & Tino versus free-spirited divorced grade three teacher who got into eastern spirituality in a mad way (possibly) Rosie. They compete on ‘Umbrella’, but their take on it sucks all the fun and sexiness out of the song. It sounds like the cut-price cover version of ‘Umbrella’ that you might hear in a dodgy commercial when they don’t want to pony up for the rights to the actual song. The coaches, however, are up and dancing around, because clearly they will take whatever they can get. Rosie is twirling like mad and Reece & Tino are making synchronised arm movements, and ugh, all three of these people are the worst. Kylie picks Rosie, and Reece & Tino are clearly trying to hold back tears, which is not very #swaggy of them.

8:36: Up next, it’s panty-moistener and YouTube sensation Lij, competing against hockey player and significant amount of weight-loser Blake. Joel has given them ‘Good Riddance’ by Green Day, a song so powerfully emotional I’m not sure I can even cope. Lij goes balls-deep into the song, aggressively over-singing it in a way that that the kids on YouTube would probably love. Ugh, I’m so old. Lij is clearly the worst of the two, and while I’m not sure you could call someone in a black sleeveless hoodie ‘subtle’, Blake is definitely the more subdued. Plus, Blake is hitting all the notes, which is a plus. Lij enunciates in that weird, Ben Lee-ish way where a very broad Aussie accent comes through in his vocals, and that’s not exactly working for him. Joel picks Blake and nobody is that surprised. 

8:43: Piano player, hat wearer and person who is channeling Kurt Hummel so hard that Chris Colfer just shivered Mat is taking on Soli. will chooses a song of his own for them, the John Legend co-write ‘Ordinary People’, and from the get-go, he’s very down on Mat. He says that Soli’s a stronger singer, and then pings Mat for his inability to keep time while playing piano. He doesn’t mention Mat’s beret, though, which is very diplomatic of him. 

8:50: Mat starts his performance doing the eyes-squeezed-shut thing behind the piano, and Soli‘s doing the same. Did they do a masterclass in conveying profound emotion through the eyes or something? When it comes down to the crunch, both singers are actually pretty strong. They have control and run rings around almost everybody else I can remember from tonight. Mat’s intense microphone face is a bit more than I can handle, though, so I’m calling this one for Soli, who, for some reason, is dressed in a pink Peter Pan-like smock and draped in way too many exotic jewels. “If we’re going on singing, you won that battle,” Joel tells her, with a look on his face that suggests he knows he just dropped a profound truth bomb. will gets one more dig in, telling Mat he sounds like he could be playing piano and singing at a restaurant, but then somewhat improbably, picks him anyway. Way to utterly tear the poor guy down emotionally, will.

9:03: Joel steps up and saves Soli, and it’s a very nice moment, so good for both of them. Up next is the last battle of the night, with tattooed showtune-singing scamp Matthew singing off against Peter, who I think is the mad scientist from a few weeks ago. Ricky chooses ‘Eleanor Rigby’, a song I’m pretty sure Casey Donovan murdered on Idol a few years ago. Matthew immediately starts spouting platitudes about storytelling through song, while staring fixedly at a point just behind the camera. Enough with the thousand-yard stare Matthew, yikes. 

9:08: Peter takes to the stage in a sensible cardigan, while Matthew wears a low-cut jacket and shorts, showing off his many tattoos. That’s classic Peter and Matthew right there. Matthew is the stronger singer, but to be honest, he’s over-performing the song to buggery and it’s really giving me the shits. He’s gesticulating at every word and widening his eyes to sell the narrative of the song, and he comes across like he’s playing Javert in a community theatre production of Les Miserables. There’s no way in hell the ferociously hammy Matthew is not going through, and Peter knows it. Ricky politely thanks them both for coming, which is classic Ricky, then praises Matthew’s powerful presence. We have to wait until after the ad break for this foregone conclusion, though, because that’s the way these things go. 

9:16: We’ve dragged this out for as long as possible, so Ricky chooses Matthew. Time for the showdowns, Voice fans. Until next week. 

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