‘The Voice Australia’ Episode 13: Live Blog

We’re well into the Voice Australia battle rounds on now, and finally, the coaches have been stunned out of their stupor and forced to pay attention to what’s happening around them. The old, mercenary will.i.am we know and love is back, sizing the contestants up with eyes narrowed to try and work out which is the better commercial prospect. Kylie is a mess because she loves everyone and everything and is so sad to see her beloved contestants go that it is actually destroying her. Ricky is giving away his saves like nobody’s business, and will probably collapse in tears when he realises he’s all out. Joel is also present.

The promos for tonight’s episode promise something so shocking it will rock The Voice Australia to its core. I’m betting it will involve two people singing loudly at one-another and the coaches looking on in wide-eyed bemusement. Also, Katy Perry and maybe also Keith Urban will be appearing? Way to blow the celebrity budget on one night, The Voice.
Follow along with our live blog from 6.30pm on Channel 9.

6:42: First up tonight, it’s John and Tom from Team Kylie, doing that One Republic song that sounds a bit like Mumford & Sons. They’re both pretty mediocre to begin with, and sound a bit timid, but the song suits John’s range, whereas Tom is struggling a bit to sing in the right register, and has a panicked look in his eyes, like he knows he’s going the fuck home, and is trying to remain positive. The crowd are doing their best to buoy him along, clapping in time to the beat, and the two hug each-other when they’re done, because they’re both lovely, lovely boys. John looks like a school captain who got a hipster haircut and grew and ‘edgy’ beard and Tom looks like the world’s most nervous musical theatre student. Kylie tells tom his voice is “bright and proficient”, which is probably also what it said on his report card, but she sends John through. This is clearly painful for Kylie, who loves everything and everyone.

6:52: Ricky is backstage, acting very surprised about the fact that Lionel is Nat King Cole‘s nephew, even though I’m pretty sure he knew this fact because it’s mentioned every time Lionel is on the damn screen. Ricky teams him up with Sabrina, a person with whom I would very much like to get shitfaced drunk and watch Disney films, and by sheer coincidence, they’re singing the theme song from Beauty And The Beast. Sabrina is in this to win it, and as the first, gentle piano notes of the song sound, she narrows her eyes and goes to her special happy place and sings the absolute shit out of the intro. Lionel has a big, baritone voice and clearly is not going down without a fight either, and the two of them actually make for pretty sweet duet partners. 

6:58: “The things you were doing under her were out of this world,” Joel says to Lionel, which is so much of a that’s what she said it barely even qualifies. Do better, Joel. The coaches seem to be favouring Lionel. Ricky tells Sabrina she has poise and control, and it seems like he’s going to let her down gently … but then he tells he he wanted more, which is why he’s keeping her on. Drama! This is actually pretty good news for me, as I have a few more weeks of imagining that Sabrina is my best friend and we’re getting tipsy and watching Disney movies together and sharing secrets.

7:05: How many saves to the judge actually have this year? I feel like they said two per judge, which is eight, but it seems like they’ve used about fifty of the fuckers in the last two nights. will saved Tom before, and all three remaining coaches turn for Lionel. He goes with Kylie, and envelops her in a giant bear hug while tearing up with gratitude. Next to perform is rocker Frank and guy who seems like he would be friends but not close friends with your parents Harry. “One of my favourite things about Harry is that he plays and sings,” says Joel, who apparently sustained a serious head injury at some point over the last few weeks. The pair are going to be singing Red Hot Chili Peppers‘ ‘Under The Bridge’, and I’m very excited for what’s shaping up to be the dullest battle so far. Maybe there’ll be a twist of some kind where both of them go home. 

7:11: I know that I go to this well a lot in these recaps, but both Harry and Frank sound like they’re about two six-packs of shitty beer deep into a friend’s party and decided it was a good idea to crack out the Singstar. They both sound a bit out of breath, and like they’re singing a bit too close to the microphones to simulate ‘intimacy’, like they’re both ‘lost’ in the tune. They both warm up a bit by the chorus, and it’s a tough call, but I’d say the wild-haired young Frank is the least irritating of the two. Kylie, who has suddenly turned super randy, praises Frank for his high notes and red underpants, and he giggles nervously as the audience whistle in appreciation. Joel chooses to send Frank through, and I’m glad, if only because I’m looking forward to see what lecherous lines Kylie will use on him in coming weeks. 

7:20: It’s motherfucking C Major. How I’ve waited for this moment. Carley says that he looks like one of her ex-boyfriends, and the sparring partners make sexy eyes at one-another during rehearsal for their battle, and ugh I just can’t even. Ricky gives them Rihanna‘s ‘Where Have You Been?’ to sing, and they pull off some of the most awkward dance moves ever – he nods his head back and forth like one of those birds that sit on ’80s businessmen’s desks lapping up water, and she pulls off a series of what I guess you might call power squats. Carley is is serving up some Nat Bassingthwaite realness, but sounds a little out of breath, which is a common theme with tonight’s contestants. I’m thinking the producers made them run some sort of a marathon beforehand to up the drama. C Major lays off the speak-rapping, and delivers, though it hurts me to say this, a reasonably solid performance. It’s solid enough that Ricky goes with him, so we’ll be looking at the top couple of inches of his hairless chest for another few weeks yet. 

7:29: will saves Carley because saving mediocre contestants is all anyone ever does on The Voice right now. I can’t focus on that now, because in a flash forward, we see Kat, of the cat-ear headband, meeting and gushing over Katy Perry backstage, and I’m steaming, because that should have been me meeting Katy Perry, dammit. Oh the fun we could have had gossiping about John Mayer‘s dong.

7:34: It’s time for Team will next, and he pits the bright, bubbly blonde Tasha against the duo ZK, the Z half of whom made an enemy of every Voice fan and right-thinking human when he snubbed Kylie. I can’t wait to see what daggers she will stare at him when he takes the stage tonight. will chooses ‘The Cave’ by Mumford & Sons, which is … I can’t even form an opinion on what that is, because as soon as they start singing, we cut to Kylie whose eyes are telling Zach to GO DIE. Tasha has a country twang in her vocals, which works for the song, and she gets a big round of applause after her first verse. ZK are draped all the scarves ever, and nobody else can have a scarf anymore, and they harmonise okay but hit a couple of seriously bum notes, one of which makes will’s eyes widen in surprise.

7:41: Kylie‘s first to give feedback, and she seems like she’s been put on the spot, struggling to find something nice to say about either performer. will gets his serious face on while giving feedback, and on the strength of ZK’s rehearsal, he sends them through. Zach makes a point of hugging Kylie as he leaves the stage, knowing he won’t be making the mistake of snubbing her ever again. “Thank you Lorde!” gushes Kristal as she leaves the stage, which is weird, since it’s definitely Katy Perry waiting backstage. 

7:48: Up next from Team Kylie, it’s Kat and Hayley, who seem like the two most annoying people from your last uni group assignment. I think Kylie chose them because, between Hayley’s hat and Kat’s kitty cat ears (how many pairs does she have?) they’re tied for the most obnoxious headwear of The Voice. Kylie chooses Katy Perry‘s ‘Roar’ for them, and after the mentoring session, surprises them with a trip to Katy’s damn hotel room. Katy gives them the wide-eyed, terrified smile that she reserves for obsessed fans who present her with home-made Katy Perry dolls woven from strands of their own pubic hair. It’s seems like she’s seconds away from nodding at her security team, who will come and the two of them away.

7:59: It’s time for Kat and Hayley‘s battle – Kat is wearing her sparkly, purple dress ears while Hayley is wearing a silver ensemble that she grew herself, X-Men style. Vocally, they both hit the song very hart. Kat practically screams her way through the chorus, pumping her fist like she’s trying to inspire the other kids at a house swimming carnival. She has a lot of enthusiasm, but Hayley is a lot more polished. As a former Australian Idol finalist, though, that’s not surprising. She’s so professional sounding that Kylie, in her comments, says that she’s pretty much the whole package already. Kylie’s practically weeping, because she just wants everyone to like her, and she has to send one of these nigh girls home. Clenching her teeth and fists, she pauses for a longtime then gives it to Kat. Kat’s backstage fan club are wearing pairs of kitty cat ears when the run up and hug her. I really hope this doesn’t become a thing.

8:09: After leaving us dangling for a whole ad break, none of the other coaches choose to save Hayley. In an incredible twist, Kylie goes backstage to find that Kat’s friend, whose chest she signed a few weeks ago, has since had the signature tattooed onto his body. “You’re a bad boy!” she says, spanking him a little too hard for it to be purely playful. It’s official, Kylie’s in heat.

8:11: Keith Urban seems like a nice guy. The former Voice judge has a tour coming up in June, and wouldn’t you know it – that’s now! Talk about synergy.

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