There are a lot of confusing things about season three of The Voice Australia – the fact that there exists a person named C Major, the fact that everyone in the damn country apparently attended musical theatre camp over the summer, the fact that the midget standing behind Joel Madden‘s chair working his mouth and arms so he appears human has not yet gone on strike. The strangest thing of all, though, is that in more than a dozen hours of blind auditions, nobody sang ‘Let It Go’, from Disney’s animated spectacular Frozen.
I mean, what the actual, literal fuck? ‘Let It Go’ has infiltrated every aspect of popular culture. Every child with a webcam is hollering the words into YouTube. Every teen, tween and young adult undergoing some sort of personal tragedy or crisis of sexual identity (aka most if not all of the people who’ve paraded in front of the judges these past few weeks) is busily humming the song as we speak. ‘Let It Go’ is so in the wheelhouse of every single Voice contestant, I’m baffled as to why nobody has picked it. The only logical conclusion is that Ricky will tearfully make his way through the big, emotional ballad at some point this season, and he demanded that nobody be allowed to steal his thunder.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I really, really want to hear a tragically overwrought performance of ‘Let It Go’ at some point in the next little while, and I’m hoping tonight’s first battle round delivers the goods. Follow along with our Voice Australia live blog from 6.30pm on Channel 9 and see what happens.
6:36: It’s only the opening clip package, but I’m weeping with relief at the fact that the judges have finally changed their clothes. will‘s black shirt must have been getting so damn stinky. Anyway, tonight’s show begins with the bombshell that the coaches will be able to save two contestants from other teams, but before we get to the contestants, the judges all perform Havana Brown‘s ‘Warrior’. It’s an EDM nightmare of a song, and the staging includes guys beating on barrel drums and flames leaping up in the background, but it’s so nice to see polished performers at work, and Kylie in her striped referee’s shirt that I’m not even disappointed.
6:42: The first battle pairing is chill, soulful dude
Johnny and amazing ’90s hair-haver
Maybelle, and they’re singing
Adele‘s
‘Rolling In The Deep’, as chosen by
Kylie, who put them together because “they’re both experienced in different ways”. I dunno, I barely even remember Johnny from the auditions, and his
Adam Duritz boho hippie air is really giving me the shits, so I’m team Maybelle on this one. “Maybe lyrics are not his thing,” Kylie says when Johnny can’t remember the words to the most ubiquitous song this side of ‘Let It Go’.
6:47: Johnny and Maybelle battle it out on ‘Rolling In The Deep’, and if anything, their performance is a reminder of how Adele can really sell the shit out of this song. They’re not specifically all that bad, but they sound a little bit out of breath, and neither one is really selling the drama of the song. ‘Rolling In The Deep’ is a song that you scream from the deepest, drunkest, most emotional part of you, and neither one has it. Joel calls Johnny “the definition of a rock star” and if the definition of a rock star is “a bit bland”, then he’s totally right. The judges favour Johnny, and just like that, it’s all over for Maybelle and her astonishing ’90s hair. I’m not loving how tonight is going.
6:56: It’s time for Team Ricky‘s first battle pairing. Ricky has the funnest, most ragtag bunch of misfits on The Voice this year, so this could actually be fun. He chooses Fely ‘Hi-5’ Irvine and Mia ‘One Of Several Girls This Season Who Strongly Remind Me Of Penny Hartz From Happy Endings’ Morrissey. He chooses Lana Dey Rey‘s ‘Young And Beautiful’ for them, which is actually a really insanely tough song. He tells them they’re being too nice and polite to each-other and wants them to be meaner, and I don’t even know where the hell this is coming from, but I kind of like it.
7:01: ‘Young And Beautiful’ is difficult as fuck, and Mia drops the ball pretty hard trying to find the melody at the beginning of the song, and we cut to the same reaction shot of Joel looking perplexed that we did before, but she turns things around. Both Fely and Mia are actually pretty strong, but they’ve put Fely in a plunging dress that leaves very little to the imagination, and lit her like a goddamn angel, so I’m pretty sure I know how this is going to go. Poor Mia gets sent home in favour of the pretty blonde girl, which is just classic Penny Hartz.
7:06: It’s time for Team will next. “Nerves are nothing but emotions,” he says to his kids in his backstage pep talk, which sort of sounds profound and meaningful until you think about it for five goddamn seconds. will chooses Justin Timberlake-wannabe Julian and excessive self confidence-haver Krishool to sing ‘Superstition’. The tone of these early battle rounds is very much ‘here’s a person we like, and here’s another one we’re throwing under the bus’, and I feel like given the fact that Julian was on A Goddamn Current Affair, Krishool will be the one to go.
7:14: Poor Krishool is dancing up a storm, but vocally, Julian has this one in the bag. His falsetto is really, really on, and he’s obviously taken some lessons in how to gyrate without looking like a pervy uncle. Not even a “thirteen month old bay-beh” can save plucky underdog Krishool at this point … or so it seems. The coaches agree that both contestants dug deep and stood their ground, but after a long pause, will chooses Julian to move forward, and the fix is in.
7:18: Joel, toothpick in hand, chooses country girl Holly and spooky Krysten Ritter lookalike, child beaty pageant contestant and Britney Spears screecher Courtney for his battle. Courtney is ridiculous and mean and her bushy eyebrows are full of secrets and she is my favourite person on the whole show at this point, so she is very clearly going home. Joel chooses some bullshit Aviici track for them, I don’t even know, because I’m busy emotionally preparing myself for the fact that Courtney won’t be around much longer.
7:25: Before that, though, it’s time for
Team Kylie, where scruffy dreamboats
Robbie and
Jackson are pitted against each-other, singing
London Grammar‘s ‘Stronger’. It’s a pretty bold move putting these two dudes head to head this early in the competition. Kylie refers to it as a “battle of the falsettos”, not entirely inaccurately, but wow, its weird that in just a few short minutes, I’ll have one less awkward, stubbly beardy indie rock troubadour to look at. What’s even happening right now? They get started, and Jackson has a technically better voice, although the earnest intensity with which he stares
straight into the camera is kind of off-putting. Robbie’s is trying as hard as possible with his falsetto, as if he’s willing every set of panties in the audience to moisten. Like ‘Young And Beautiful’, this is actually a crazy difficult song, and both do a good job. It’s going to be a tough call for the judges.
7:31: “Jackson has a better quality voice, but Robbie has a thing,” says will.i.am, and for the last time, I’m really sick of agreeing with goddamn will.i.am. Kylie praises Jackson’s technical ability, in such a way that you know he’s about to give him the shaft. “I hope there’s a save coming …” she says, before we cut to an ad break. DRAMA.
7:37: Kylie chooses Robbie, of course, and even he knows it probably should have been Jackson. Ricky knows it too, and uses up one of his saves to keep him in the competition. Aww. Meanwhile, Don’t Trust The Courtney In Apartment 23 is rehearsing her terrible Aviici song backstage with a confused, frightened looking Holly, and there’s some kind of rift between them, because Courtney tells it like it is and Holly’s overly polite or some silliness of that nature. “I wasn’t expecting her to be so cool and creative,” Holly says, weeping, and then we cut to a slow-motion shot of Courtney smirking like Julie Cooper-Nichol, and I could NOT love her any more.
7:47: It’s time for Courtney and Holly’s Avicii duet – Holly sounds timid, while Courtney does some sort of deranged kitty cat dance, making all kinds of weird angles with her arms, and vamping it up as hard as she can, which isn’t a whole lot, but it’s hard enough to wipe the floor with Holly. Ugh, what are you even still doing here, Holly? “I do believe you both still deserve to be here,” says
Ricky, ever the fence-sitter, before choosing Courtney. will tells Courtney he was “activated” by her, I’m guessing like some kind of biodynamic yoghurt. Kylie chooses Holly, I think just to be nice. Joel congratulates Holly on not shaking through her performance, which is kind of a backhanded compliment, but he chooses to take her through anyway. Makes sense. Holly is dull but Courtney’s particular brand of batshit crazy is a little too real for
The Voice to handle.
7:58: Up next, it’s nerdy opera teacher Elly and person we’re meant to find inspiring but who is actually quite mediocre Jess. I feel like the fix is in for Jess, especially when it’s announced that they’ll be singing ‘O Mio Babbino Caro’ and they mention that Elly is classically trained while Jess has “raw talent”, but if Elly goes home, I’m going to cry from morning until nine o’clock. It’s clear from Jess’s smirk and Elly’s look of resignation that both contestants know which way this is going to go. Elly crushes it and sings with polish and professionalism and Jess is terrible and way off key, but I feel like this is going to be another Masterchef Season One situation where the clearly more talented Poh got the arse in favour of bland old Julie.
8:08: will.i.am praises Jess so highly and spitting so many ridiculous platitudes about her taking it to another level that he’s actually standing on his chair by the time he’s finished. Kylie chooses Jess, and Joel says that “we’re in a pickle” even though that clearly doesn’t describe the situation we’re in right now. I’ve got a ‘This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things’ image prepared and ready to go, but the unthinkable happens and Ricky chooses Elly! Sometimes, we can have nice things. The coaches vote to save Jess, though, so she’ll live to be a bit disappointing another day, and she chooses Joel for her next go-around.
