‘The Voice Australia’: Episode 05 Live Blog

I’m a pretty big fan of American Idol, even in this post-Nicki Minaj era when the show is essentially a howling wasteland full of deformed mutants singing Imagine Dragons‘ ‘Radioactive’ for scraps of Keith Urban‘s moldy praise, and it occurs to me that one thing Idol still does well is audition shows. There are two of them each week, as the judges travel from city to city and Ryan Seacrest pals around with a variety of proud dads and petrified spouses (Britney Slappey, I will never forget you). Two is a good number, as any more than that would start to feel like a slog.

The Voice Australia is currently in the middle of its blind audition phase, which means last week, we had a highly unwieldy four episodes, in a setting so static that the judges outfits didn’t even change the entire time. Four episodes is a lot of Voice to take in – that’s six hours, or roughly 84 renditions of Imagine Dragons’ Radioactive – and by the end of it, I was sweating like Sam Atherton at a kids’ party. That’s a joke about an American Idol contestant who was caught jerking off in a frozen lemonade truck, and if you watched the show, trust me, it would be super funny.
This week features a still-extreme but somewhat more manageable three episodes of Kylie, will.i.am, Ricky and Joel tossing platitudes at a bunch of nice kids who probably have no idea what they’re signing up for. I’m feeling cleansed and refreshed and ready to go, so let’s dive in and do this thing. 

Join us live for all the action, from 6.30pm on Channel 9.

6:37: The Voice is theoretically a show about singing, so of the logical thing is to keep us from hearing the singing for as long as humanly possible. Our first contestant tonight is Carly, from Melbourne. The clip package tells us she comes from a big Melbourne Greek family, so odds are will.i.am will be soon be shouting at her about how his best friend is Greek.

6:40: What is it with this year’s Voice hopefuls and sad Rihanna ballads? Carly sings ‘Stay’ and is vocally pretty strong, in her adorable little sailor’s outfit. Ricky sits, looking meditative, with his hand on his heart, possibly thinking about the one that got away, or about a really tasty piece of kale he once ate. Five episodes in to this season, the judges have learned not to turn around until the very end, to maximise the number of ridiculous faces they can make at the cameras.

6:46: Carly goes Team Ricky, and up next is Brandon, from the NSW central coast, who certainly seems to have the dead-eyed ambition to make it in the Voice game. The package of childhood photos includes one of him in full clown get-up, which doesn’t make him look any less like a serial killer. For those playing at home, it’s now 6:49 and we’re still only one singer deep into tonight. At this rate, we’ll get through four and a half singers and about a million fawning clip packages where the other judges talk about how much Ricky inspires them.

6:53: Oh god, Brandon opts for Bon Iver‘s ‘Skinny Love’ and spends a lot of it staring, unnervingly, straight into the camera. His vocal game is a bit Ben Lee, but his intense, sustained eye contact game is a bit John Wayne Gacy. His mum backstage is very proud of him, this being #mothersday and all, but you know what they say about serial killers and their mothers …

7:05: Up next is Taila from country Queensland, who goes for Sugarland‘s ‘Stuck Like Glue’. She’s wearing a cute floral dress and is very well-scrubbed and wholesome but as with many of this year’s hopefuls, there’s something a bit lacking. She’s about as squeaky-clean and indistinct as her taste in country pop songs, but she’s so gosh-darn nice that she’s basically snark-proof. She opts for Team Joel, who likes the little twang in her voice, and the circle of life continues, moving us all through despaaaaaaair and hope.

7:14: Young Jacob from the Gold Coast started out as a busker. He’s a nice boy and his parents love him and are endlessly supportive. If there’s one running theme on The Voice this year, besides everyone choosing sad Rihanna ballads and will.i.am‘s will.ing.ness to stop at nothing to get on everyone’s good side, it’s stable, happy families. On stage, Jacob part-sings, part-bleats his way through Guy Sebastian‘s ‘Battle Scars’, and rolling his eyes back in his head like he’s experiencing some sort of deep, intense, tantric orgasm. will.i.am turns first, and makes Jacob a series of hollow promises about helping him with “musical structure” and technique. 

7:20: There’s a thing called Indigobelle but we don’t need to worry about it because none of the judges turned.

7:27: Gabriel and Cecilia are a wild-haired brother and sister pair who look like they should be running naked with wolves somewhere in Westeros, but instead they opted to be here, baring their souls for the lady who sang ‘Especially For You.’ The clip package shows them playing at farmers’ markets around Byron Bay, then some footage of the Byron Bay Blues & Roots Festival, and then just in case anyone missed it, they and the voice-over repeat the phrase ‘Byron Bay’ a dozen more times. The pair, who stress that they normally “only play originals”, cover Bastille‘s ‘Laura Palmer’, with him on guitar and her on piano. Their vocal harmonies are very floaty and beguiling, and they sound like a baby Angus & Julia Stone, of which you can make whatever you like. 

7:32: “I just had to push the button because I was fine with you guys,” says Ricky, inadvertently summing up absolutely everything about this season of The Voice. Everyone’s fine and everyone’s having a nice time, and oh god, I just want someone to set their pubic hair on fire or pull a set of Christmas tree lights out of their butthole or something to remind us that we’re all alive and this all means something. Gabrielle and Cecila choose Ricky, and Twitter has already declared them the new Angus and Julia.

7:39: 24-year-old Jess is the feel-good contestant of the night. She comes from Adelaide, and grew up in a super religious family, with a minister dad, and has a heart-wrenching coming out story. She appears with her mum and her fiance Lisa, however, so it probably all ended pretty well. The promos have been building her up as the surprise of the night, so of course we don’t get to see her perform just yet. Up first is 16-year-old Keely, whose look is pre-Bangerz Miley Cyrus. She sings Taylor Swift‘s ‘Love Story’, and amazingly, is the first contestant to tackle Taylor so far this season. She’s pretty badly flat, though, and the most interesting part of the performance is watching the judges desperately kill time because none of them is going to turn. When it’s all done, they crush her dreams in as polite a way as possible.

7:47: Tom from Melbourne is a season one reject back for a second shot. He sings ‘Keep Your Head Up’, and has a look of utter desperation on his face that says ‘please please please pick me.’  His vocals are a bit on the nasal side, and honestly, the idea of listening to them for the next however many weeks is already putting my teeth on edge. Kylie gives him a pity turn and tells him she connected with his tone and his brightness. If Tom Ballard and Josh Thomas could have a biological kid, it would be Tom from Melbourne.

7:58: The final contestant of the night is our old friend Jess, who is rocking a mohawk worthy of Bowser Koopa, and I kind of hate her glass-shattering performance of ‘Pia Jesu’, but the narrative here is clearly that she’s a Susan Boyle-esque underdog and we’re all going to learn from and be inspired by her in weeks to come. She turns all four chairs and throws a little bit of sass will.i.am‘s way, asking what he’ll do for her if she picks him.

8:08: The decisive moment is drawn out for as long as humanly possible, before finally, Jess chooses Team Ricky. Jess is good vibes and positive affirmations condensed into human form, and strap in guys, because we’re going to be seeing a LOT of inspirational clip packages framed around her from here on out.

 
Picture via YouTube

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV