Much like one of Ricky Martin‘s wheatgrass-scented farts, this season of The Voice Australia got pretty stinky pretty fast. The show is well and truly back for another year, and aside from some occasional highs – Kylie Minogue‘s constant, excited squirming in her seat, the game-changing revelation that will.i.am makes hats – last night’s premiere episode was mostly pretty damn dreadful.
Not everybody was completely terrible last night, but, from musical theatre twink Matt to aspiring Entertainment 720 mogul C Major, all were fairly lacking in the personality department. Will tonight’s episode produce someone with charisma, someone who can actually sing worth a damn? Will Kylie sign more chests? Will Ricky shed a single, tiny tear when he’s picked last again?
7:29: Channel 9 are going hard with the cross-promotion tonight. The Voice hasn’t even started yet, but Anja is all over A Current Affair, showing her pet snake to an intrepid reporter. This is the kind of thing hard news is all about … says the website that reported on Jennifer Lawrence‘s Oscars vomit. Right, okay, we’re terrible people too. Bring on the goddamn singing.
7:35: It’s sort of telling that the ‘previously on’ section of tonight’s show begins with a flashback to the judges singing ‘Hall Of Fame’ at the start of last night’s show, because the contestants were all so very, very bland. I’m seeing a lot of shit hats in the clip package, and hearing a lot of platitudes. “That chair turning around, that’s when you’ve made it,” says one of tonight’s hopefuls, in a voice over. Right, tell that to Karise Eden.
7:39: Tonight’s first contestant is Louise, who is from Melbourne, but currently based in Los Angeles. She once did a cabaret show called The Diva From Down Under, and one special night, Liza Minnelli came along. I already hate her. She has a deeply menacing, and in her tight-fitting black dress, looks like she might actually be a Terminator, sent back from the future to put this whole sorry business out of its misery. She screams her way through Queen‘s ‘Somebody To Love’ while standing rooted to the spot.
7:27: Louise picks will.i.am, and her mum weeps. Next up is Lij, a chill surfer dude from the Sunshine Coast. He is a YouTube sensation who tells us with a slightly dead-eyed look that wants to go on the show so he can take his fan base one step further. Damn, when did the kids get so mercenary? Lij definitely looks like he moistens the tweens, so he should have no trouble locking down that vote.
7:53: To the sound of panties dropping all over the nation, Lij takes the stage … for a brief moment, it seems like he could be amazing. Then he launches into a cover of ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ and he kills it in that he curb-stomps the fuck out of the song and leaves it bleeding on the ground. His vocals are nasal as all fuck but he’s a handsome dude so nobody minds. ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ is an ironic, retro choice now, right? Fuck, I’m old.
7:58: Our next contestant, Emily, is an acoustic singer song-writer who performs alongside her husband, whose name I don’t really catch but think might be Jor-El. She sings ‘Pure Imagination’ because she hopes to inspire Ricky Martin to dream of unicorns or some fucking thing, and it’s actually … pretty good. I mean, we’re kind of starved for choice at this point, but Emily has her shit locked down. She has impressive vocal control and is clearly not new to this whole singing business.
8:03: I like Emily a lot, which means there’s no way in hell she’s going to win. Kylie’s been a bit reserved thus far tonight – maybe she pulled something with all her jiggling and gyrating yesterday. She heaps some very sincere praise on Emily, and then smiles tightly as Emily picks will. Everyone’s picking will. I have very little faith in the kids right now.
8:11: I can’t focus on anything our next contestant, Luke, is saying, because his blue eyes are peering right into my soul, and I really need them to stop. We don’t get to hear him sing right away, though, because first, it’s time to meet Krishool. Krishool likes to incorporate movement into his performances … all I’ll say is I hope he also likes to incorporate singing in tune.
8:14: Yeah, not so much. Krishool is so flat it seems possible that at some point, he might circle back around to the right key. He has some sweet dance moves, though, and he’s showing quite a bit of toned pec through the very stretched neck hole of his shirt, so he’s pretty much a lock. I’m not even listening to the foolishness coming from will.i.am’s mouth because his gold bow tie is dazzling me.
8:25: Young hopeful Lauren, who plays in a band and works as a plus-size model, seems like a real sweetie. She kind of ruins it for me when she says “it’s such a different industry these days,” which I don’t think you’re allowed to say when you’re literally 12. Meanwhile, on stage, Luke wheezes and huffs his way through Ed Sheeran’s ‘The A Team’. If push came to shove, I would probably have sex with Ed Sheeran. I’m sorry, that was inappropriate and I don’t know why I shared it with you, it’s just that Luke’s so dull I’m grasping at straws a bit here. Luke picks Joel. Good for him.
8:36: Lauren announces that she plans to sing Ellie Goulding’s ‘Anything Can Happen’, and for some reason, I have a feeling she might be the one to turn all this around. She opts for a simple, piano-led arrangement and it’s … okay? She’s a bit squeaky when she hits the upper register, but it doesn’t matter, because will.i.am’s in love with her, and is already telling Australia where they can find her online. I guess what will.i.am lacks in musical talent, he makes up for in social media savvy.
8:40: They’re REALLY spacing out the performances tonight. It feels like a tacit acknowledgement that when it comes to The Voice, the voices come second to the judges’ craaazy antics. When we meet Robbie, however, hope is restored. He’s a scruffy Brisbane boy in jeans and a t-shirt, and he slouches on stage and then positively fucking KILLS IT with a performance of ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. His falsetto is actually making me feel funny. The bar is low tonight but he’s shockingly talented.
8:58: I think they were wise to save this one until last. Elly has some serious vocal power. She attacks ‘Mamma Knows Best’ with all the gusto she can muster and the judges practically shit themselves. They can’t seem to turn their chairs around fast enough. Kylie is dancing with her arms held high, will.i.am’s eyes are practically popping out of his head. Joel asks her to sing some opera and she happily obliges, at which point the judges shit themselves all over again. “I love South Korea!” will.i.am tells her, because he is a mercenary fuck and has no shame.
9:08: The show leaves us in suspense yet again, cutting to the world’s longest ad break before showing us who Elly’s going to pick as her mentor. After the commercial, she chooses Ricky, which makes total sense because Elly’s lovely and Ricky’s lovely and suddenly everyone’s having a very lovely time.
After the fizzer that was last night’s episode, I was feeling pretty down on The Voice, but suddenly I’m on board again. Between Robbie and Elly, we might really have something here, and with more blind auditions to come, the unthinkable might happen, and we might end up with some real talent this year.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play video games because I’m an adult, dammit, and I can do what I want. See you all tomorrow!
