The Kanye West Sex Tape You Didn’t Want To See Is Coming This Cruel Summer

Hey guys, you know that Kanye West sex tape that you probably didn’t want to see but are intrigued about nonetheless? Yeah, that’s a thing, according to Radar Online, who are ‘exclusively beating up reporting‘ that, like his current amour Lil Kim Khristdashian, Yeezy too has a sexay VHS starring an unidentified KK look-a-like, and he’s not happy about it.

According to Radar, the nearly 20 minute long tape begins with a disclaimer from the Kardashianesque woman, who states to the camera that “she is married and claims, ‘My husband and I don’t have sex anymore… that’s why I’m here!Such a good friend, that Kanye.

Want more sordid details? Of course you do. The woman is described as having “bodacious curves, dusky skin and long black hair… a definitely dead ringer for Kim.” The website also states without a doubt that it’s a camera ready Kanye in the “steamy sex romp”, which features no kissing, no interaction (other than the sexy kind) and, you’ll be glad to know, a condom. Phew. Sadly, the artistic merit of the sex tape probably doesn’t live up to Kanye’s high standards for porn, which we know he likes to “be beautiful aesthetically and integrate fashion to make a beautiful image.” More on that here.

Apparently the tape is being shopped around to various parties, and “Kanye is freaking out! He doesn’t want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. Kanye was practically in tears when he heard the tape was being released.” Here’s Radar’s conclusive proof that this is definitely, without a doubt, the real deal. A screengrab.

Well, I guess that settles it then. Here’s what we know: There’s definitely a sex tape (screengrabs don’t lie, obvs); Kanye isn’t happy about there being a sex tape that he consentingly participated in and presumably passed on to someone else; Kanye doesn’t have a problem with other people’s sex tapes, just his own; oh, and Kanye’s new album came out this week. Coincidence? No. Publicity stunt echoing the release of a Kanye West Dick Pic to coincide with the release of Runaway? Yes. Oh (New) God (Flow) yes.

Photo by Michael Loccisano for Getty Images