With a white tie dress code and corresponding exhibition theme in the technically-superior American couturier Charles James, this year’s Anna Wintour’s Metropolitan Museum Of Art’s Costume Institute’s Gala Ball’s Benefit – or the Met Gala – cannot even be dealt with on a whole other level. 

ICYMI, the Met Gala is The Oscars Of Fashion: that is, you get most – if not all – of the A-List game of the Oscars but with added benefits, like the world’s 10est supermodels and musicians cavorting with chic designers and your favourite film and TV ingenues; a dress code that invites risk-taking haute couture moments; and none of the pained pizza delivery guy gags and musical numbers that we’ve come to expect from the Academy Awards. 

Herewith, the most major looks from the year’s most #major red carpet.

Anna Wintour is coming in Chanel Couture crafted by blind Belgian nuns from a thousand hand-cut paillettes and rendered in a colour palette that I can only now associate with the band-aids blind Belgian nuns would need to apply to their needlepoint wounds after one hundred hours of craftsmanship. 

Expensive, beautiful blooms of used bandaids, but used band-aids nonetheless.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Met Gala MVP, SJP, looks every bit the patron of the arts she is in an Oscar de la Renta ball gown with a windowpane train, logomania detailing and v. on-trend Dominique Ansel cronut hair. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Though her face here suggests otherwise, rich tween Hailee Steinfeld looks every part an incredible youth in a Prabal Gurung Nenish tart with cray train.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The fictional character whose life I fear for more than my own (her, and maybe the Stark children), Megan Draper, does paréd down – but still perfect – in Pollock-esque Michael Kors.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

John Legend and Chrissy Teigan, both in Ralph Lauren Collection, are the evening’s prime contenders for the couple with whom you’d most like to initiate a threesome.

I can’t not include one of Teigan’s characteristically brilliant Tweets:

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Karolina Kurkova is regal resplendence itself in very literal, dramatic Marchesa.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Do you love it? ‘It’ being a dégradé velvet slip by Donna Karen and lavender hair on an ever-so-slightly underwhelming but always-an-improvement-considering Nicole Richie

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

I don’t love this Carolina Herrera print, but Emmy Rossum looks Poised® to perfection, like a glam incontinence product. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Zoe Saldana is unfairly beautiful, so it’s a real shame that this tiered Michael Kors duvet is so many kinds of deflating for her and I both. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Literally dying for Liu Wen in a giant, ridiculous Zac Posen circus tent. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Speaking of Posen, here’s Count von Count himself – the heir apparent to Charles James – posing with the elegant as balls-lowered-into-a-giant-martini-glass, Dita Von Teese. She looks like an incredible Cadillac. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

BRB, not dealing.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Luh me some @badgalriri (whose Instagram account as of today sadly no longer exists) pouring it up in Stella McCartneyNot loving the stank faces on the Haters in the background, where they belong.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

POTUS and her husband in a Givenchy robe and, presumably, Tom Ford respectively. Bow down, ***Flawless, woke up like this, et cetera.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

A+ for Most Improved. The reportedly recently wed Kimye in game-lifting, crotch-grazing Lanvin.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

On Wednesdays, we wear underwhelming Ralph Lauren 🙁

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Suki Waterhouse is a heavenly lion fish ensconced in tiered Burberry tulle. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Allison Williams’s ODLR gown is the equivalent of a bottle of Fanta when all you want is an actual orange because you have a Vitamin C deficiency and then you get scurvy and now you’re literally going to die. Kidding. She looks pleas to the next lev.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley cares not for adhering to dress codes, wears an Olivier Rousteing for Balmain number better suited to last year’s PUNK: Chaos to Couture theme or a round in the Colosseum.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

*SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH*

Diane Kruger in an ice sculpture crafted by Jason Wu for Hugo Boss feat. The Hand of God.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Ahoy, sexy! 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Hold me close, tiny ice dancer. Elizabeth Olsen, one of the many faces of Miu Miu, wears Miu Miu speed performance wear. Stacy Martin is all like, ‘flesh coloured body stocking girl wut’.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Perpetual ingenue Michelle Williams is très casual in a Louis Vuitton shift that from afar looks like some inoffensive print work but up close is actually some next level laborious tinsel embroidery shit. Forever blessed. The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Dakota Johnson is [your best Fifty Shades of Navy] pun. She wears Jason Wu.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Brie Larson is deliciously off-code in #stronglook Au Prada, and this isn’t even her final form. Go watch Short Term 12 now. A++

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Solange Minelli makes questionable life choices in apricot 3.1 Phillip Lim.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Sweet Van Gogh’s ears! Katie Holmes, putting the ‘shart’ in ‘chartreuse’.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Selina Gomez also putting the ‘er, no’ in ‘Cabernet Sauvignon’, poured into silky DVF. Kidding! She actually looks sweet and more than a li’l spicy. Notes of ‘oak’ and ‘find me at the after party’.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The couple that wears matching Thom Browne together, look like fun Transylvanian butlers together. Straight off-Broadway, NPH and David Burtka never not embracing a theme wholeheartedly.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Alexa Chung does her best to undo years of stylish good will engendered by being chic as sin with an underwhelming Erdem dust ruffle. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Lily Allen is trying to take – and so far succeeding at taking – a selfie with everyone at the Met Ball while wearing tiered tulle Chanel.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

When you earn $42 million in a year, you’ll also be able to do this in a black silk and velvet guipure Balenciaga lace gown, and get away with murder too.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Psychosexual ballerina Rita Ora tries and fails to execute the cheekbone enhancing suck-your-cheeks-in pout and wears creeping tulle Donna Karen.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Kate Upton mourns the exposure of 80% of her milkmaid soft skin in Dolce & Gabbana. Alternatively, puts the ‘real fun’ in ‘funereal’. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Hello, Sunshine. Mrs. Seth Cohen is exquisite in nude Pucci and butter soft tresses worthy of a Van der Woodsen. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Kristen Wiig can’t keep a straight face in a severe Balenciaga skant scenario. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Sweet angel Lupita Nyong’o is the catch of the day in Prada, a superfluous headband and a fun pompadour.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Just a regular gal, workin’ hard, saving up her hard-earned babysitting coin to spend big at Oscar de la Renta.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

This is so Ann Perkins and that is so not an endorsement.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Phucks Donatella gives about what you think of her: zero. 

Temperature of the mess that is this situation: hot.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The best part about Johnny Depp’s accessories closet these days is Amber Heard.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Can you ever just be anything other than whelmed by Zooey Deschanel’s red carpet choices? She wears Tommy Hilfinger with a stepped-on-loo-roll train.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Business Casual Glamour on Shetland moguls, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Kristen Stewart beams ecstatically in incandescent Chanel Couture

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Lena Dunham takes things way too seriously in fun Giambattista Valli

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Emma Stone is a Baby Spice dream in Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein Collection.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

As is li’l Annie Hathaway, the hardest working gal in all of theatre camp.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Photo of the Night/Life goes to Shailene Woodley and KiKi Dunst. Both are in Rodarte, only one is in a Death Star. The other one eats clay and feeds her vagina sunlight. Google it.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Florence Welch is this year’s Kim Kardashian’s Kouch in Valentino Couture.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Naomi Watts cannot be faulted in the petals of heavenly Givenchy Haute Couture.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Old Hollywood Glamour? More like Smouldering Jolly Good Stamina. Gucci, no doubt.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Kate Mara also wears what I think is Valentino, and achieves what I think Florence Welch was reaching for.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

I see your Pharrell, and raise you Erykah Badu in Givenchy.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Marion Cotillard continues her winning streak of always looking lovely but failing to nail the brief due to contractual obligations to Dior.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

I didn’t get it at first but now I do and I’m going all in. Sarah Silverman looks movie star phenom in Zac Posen, accessorised with her season two Masters Of Sex co-star and IRL Master of Sex IN THE BEDROOM, Michael Sheen.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

You wouldn’t think it possible, but Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal found a way to make Full-On Haute Couture evening wear look Brooklyn. She wears and carries Valentino.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Another Miu Miu ingenue, Margot Robbie kicks off the Australian contingent and looks super chic in Prada hot massage stones.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Old mates.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Started at the Logies now she’s here. Kylie Minogue is a Marchesa peace offering to appease The Voice ratings gods.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Imogen Poots misses the Charles James mark but still manages to look fresh to death, cute ‘n sexy, in Proenza Schouler.

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

Adele Exarchopoulos’s mirrored trompe l’oeil mirrored Prada column is, for want of a better Fergie reference, G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S. 

The 2014 Costume Institute Met Gala Red Carpet Debrief

And here’s what Madonna would have worn had it not been nixed by Anna Wintour and she decided to stay home instead. 

We’ve finally come full circle: