If you’re a true Australian, you’ve probably already caught wind of the straight miracle that was bestowed upon us in the form of a Darude vs. Nollsy mash-up on Tuesday.
But, in case you missed it, wrap your ears around this:
In what will go down in history as a miracle from the Southern Cross stars themselves, some twisted genius by the name of George Gurdjieff has made a jizz-inducing mix that sees the original pinger anthem, Sandstorm, skilfully cross-bred with Shannon Noll’s titular hit, What About Me.
Now, let us gladly guide you through the inevitably spiritual journey that is listening to your new funeral song.
1. The introduction.
The track launches heavily, no fucks given, straight into a thumping beat, underscored by a snare-like rhythm – a homage of sorts to the early ’00 trax you secretly danced to in your bedroom as a child. Nothing out of the ordinary, but a banger nonetheless.
2. Sandstorm enters: whips his dick right out, just like that.
“Do do do do do. Du. Do do do do do. Do do do do do. Do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do.”
The goatee bootleg colab we’ve all been waiting for.
Here we are, we are here, gird your loins, kents. This is happening, this is real life.
My left leg has begun to lift and rest, lift and rest to the beat. My head is bopping, conservatively, because I’m at work and I have a reputation that goes beyond loving classic Australiana memes. Memories of a friend’s first disco biccie start flooding back at lightening speed. It was a europill, I’m sure, blue. We have begun ascending the stairway to ‘Strayan heaven.
3. Look up, Shannon is gracefully floating from the sky and into your ears.
Just as the gum-munchin’ has begun to gain velocity, Shannon appears. He looks you straight in the eye, checkered Big W shirt slightly unbuttoned to reveal pecks and his frighteningly small nipples. Goatee on point. Power stance. The man has arrived, and he’s been to the gym, working on his guns, ready to tug on your heart strings.
I believe there is a God.
As the celestial sweeping of sounds transpires, he begins – “Well there’s a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop,” his angelic voice quivering with the power of a million feels. I stop bopping my head, the sheer beauty of his gift forcing me to take a deep breath in. He truly is the voice of our generation.
I know it’s controversial, but I’m going to come right out and say what we’re all thinking.
He deserved number one.
Jog on, Guy, you OG fuckboi.
4. Self-reflection moment: do I have sexual feelings for Shannon?
I can’t tell if it’s the pumping Sandstorm mix, or the incessant googling of topless shots of Shanny, but I’m starting to feel a little bit excited in my underpants. 100% serious, I actually feel randy as all get out. How far is the Rooty Hill RSL?
5. Sandstorm brings it home, once again.
If you’ve made it this far, I can almost guarantee that you’ve lost a kilogram.
I realise I have been typing my e-mails to the beat, my efficiency levels at an all-time high. I’ve drunk three cups of water to replenish, and have had to take a quick poo break due to the relentless adrenaline pumping through my veins.
Traditionally, this far into a tune should constitute a come down, but I see no sign of coming down whatsoever – it’s that much of a straight howler. In the words of Mark Holden: Touchdown.
6. Looking back and taking stock of the enlightening experience.
Throughout the process of writing of this piece, I listened to the song a total of 42 times (no exaggeration).
I still like it. If there was ever a time a national hero deserved a second coming, it’s now. Groovin’ The Moo, if you’re reading this, please, consider the petition. We need to see our hero in action, once again.
It was not a matter of ‘if’, but a matter of ‘when’.
My fingers are crossed, too, sweet prince.
