Nickelback are a band so ear-bleedingly terrible/offensive to the general concept of sound that hating them is like loathing the taste of shitcicles. I mean duh human population! It’s only natural that a post-grunge douche squad fronted by the ugliest man in rock (fact) is going to suck.
Pickles are emerald flavour explosions that some lunatics discard from burgers.
Yesterday we posted about a Facebook Fan Page titled “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback?“. The page was created in early February by Nickelback hater and social media magician Coral Anne. And surprise, surprise, in three short weeks a brine soaked cucumber gained more Facebook popularity than the worst band in the world (at the time of writing Nickelback boasted 1,425,413 fans, the pickle, 1,505,246).
Aside from the usual thigh-slappin’ jibes, our post contained a throwaway remark that compared Nickleback to fellow ear-bleeders Creed and Evanescence aka bands the UN of music should hunt down for crimes against humanity. We thought it was an apt analogy. That is until the Pickle Fan Page creator Coral Anne sent us the following email:
Hello,
I am Coral Anne, the creator of the page “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickelback?”
I saw you compared them to Evanescence in your article and mentioned Ev in a bad context. Evanescence are my favourite band and their music was what I leaned on growing up and what inspired me. They mean more to me than most other things in the world, and Amy Lee is my idol. Do me a favour and PLEASE take their name out of your article. I will NOT stand for having Evanescence in a bad context in any article endorsing anything of mine. At least not where I can help it.
Sincerely,
Coral Anne XXXXXX, creator
P.S. Evanescence’s new album is in the works, and it is going to be amazing! I hope it makes more news headlines than my pickle!
A few things. We were genuinely unaware of Coral Anne’s Evanescence fandom, a love she actually professed on the Pickle Fan Page info section, but we happened to overlook: “Please support this charity. My biggest inspiration, Amy Lee, runs it, and I hope it can be reached out to a large amount of people.” Amy Lee of course is Evanescence’s lead singer. If you’re drawing a blank just imagine what your emo 14 year old cousin would look like if she still believed dressing like the Celtic Princess of Naboo was acceptable 15 years later.
Second thing. Is it possible that Coral’s Pickle Vs. Nickleback Fan Page is a closeted Evanescence marketing tool? Now that its fans outnumber Nickelback’s will the pickle magically materialize into the second shittest band on earth overnight? Will the pickle break free of its briney-prison, discover eyeliner and revisit way too earnest poetry it wrote in cucumber high school? Let’s hope not. Stay true to your original mission pickle, stay true.
Lastly and most damningly, now that we know its creator loves Evanescence like a fat kid loves baked goods suitable for celebrating someone’s birthday with – has the satirical power of the pickle diminished? It’s not like we thought the pickle’s custodian would be Animal Collective’s guitar technician or MF DOOM having a LOL on Facebook but a modicum of taste was expected right? It’s great that “their music was what I leaned on growing up” and it is important to metaphorically and literally learn on music during your formative years, it prepares you for putting food on your family as an adult, but are Nickelback and Evanescence even that different? As a non-listener of both I’m gonna go ahead and assume not. They’re still in the same ball park – the arms-outstretched power-something genre – all you need do is trade Chad Kroeger’s facial hair for a Ouija board.
That’s actually the most alarming insight of all. That such proactive and vehement Nickel-hate can stem from an Evanescence fan. I mean it’s obvious that Pitchfork readers say, think Nickelback are shit but if an Evanescence fan concurs (despite the bands’ obvious proximity on the music most likely to cause self-harm spectrum) then Nickelback MUST be shit. Chad Kroger’s all like “shit dude, THIS is how you remind me of what I really am”. That, if anything, shows how terrible they are and you don’t need 1,500,000 people or a disproportionately high Wikipedia vandalism rate to prove it.
But in the interests of measuring shitty music on an equal metric the logical next step is to pit an arbitrary food product against Evanescence in a battle for social media supremacy. Here’s one we prepared earlier – CAN THIS POTATO GET MORE FANS THAN EVANESCENCE. Love you internet.
