Maybe you’re single, maybe it’s complicated or maybe you’re planning for the future, either way the need to neck some fools lies within us all and at some point this dormant desire to pash multiple randoms in one sitting will come raging to the fore, usually when drink tickets are involved. As such, music festivals are the perfect breeding ground for hookups and occasionally even a meet-cute or two. If you and your lips are planning any festival-going in the near future, here are a few tips to help you and your Lucas Pawpaw slathered friends find success.
DON’T BE REFRESHINGLY HONEST
Produced in association with Lipton Ice Tea Sparkling
DON’T BE A SWEATY DISASTER ON ARRIVAL
Sure, pre-drinking, pre-dancing, group sing-alongs on public transport, these are all physically taxing and sweat-inducing activities that can impede your ability to look hot as sin. And sure, if other hot messes is what you’re going for, tarry on. However, if you’re trying to bag
someone whose Facebook profile you can show your friends without being all ‘their face looks heaps less like a bag of hammers in real life/this picture is shit, let me find a good one’ just try not to turn up at the festival afraid to look in the mirror.
DO SET EYES TO ‘FUN’
If you’re working off a kind of scattergun approach to hooking up, whereby you’re just shooting your charisma into the air hoping that out of the many missiles that miss and fall harmlessly to the ground one finds its target, your eyes are your allies.
If you can master the ‘come hither’ you’re putting down and all that’s left is for someone to pick it up.
BYO HYGIENE A-GAME
It probably won’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that the kind security staff scrutinising the contents of your bag will not take too kindly to the appearance of hand sanitizer (looks like: amyl) on first inspection, or toilet paper (looks like: a two-ply mule) either for that matter.
What may come as a surprise to you is how grateful your imminent hook up will be when you present to them the festival godsend of loo roll, relative cleanliness and the reduced risk of falling victim to respiratory infections and diarrheal disease-associated death by up to 50%. Sexy.
BE LOOSE IN BODY + MIND
Look, you don’t have to be one of those people up the front and to the side, wearing flowy shirts and interpretively dancing like a “free spirit,” whilst their eyes are swiveling like mother fuckers trying to clock who might be watching their display of ‘dancing like everyone is watching,’ BUT if your body is locked in tight ‘keep walkin’ pose, your mouth is pretty much guaranteed to stay tongue free.
Name something you won’t be getting with resting bitch/jerk face?
DO HAVE A BACK UP PLAN
Tinder and/or Grindr.
ABSOLUTELY NO QUITTER TALK
Do you know what all successful billionaires have in common? Fucking commitment. Convincing people that drunk you is worth going home with is a long con, in that, they don’t know you and so need to see the goodies up front. You have to be willing to put in the hours, and if you still haven’t found anyone by headliner o’clock that is no excuse to give up. If it’s a festival that has some kind of mass transport system to get people the fuck off site as quickly as possible – ideal. This is actually one of the best places to see who of your fellow festival-goers hasn’t come down yet and is keen to kick on/get buck wild.
Prepare to chuck a left, my friend. 
DON’T BE SHIT, BE THE SHIT
Speaking of, don’t be a shit person. Don’t punch anyone, don’t steal anything, don’t cut anyone’s crass, don’t cut anything – except sick in the vicinity of a designated vibe area. Provided you aren’t actually The Worst, the best thing you can do to ensure you successfully neck a fellow punter at a festival is to do you.
Plus, the only thing you wanna be starting is ‘something’, not someone. *Moonwalks out*
